Philadelphia might lead the nation’s big cities when it comes to bike commuting, but this winter it feels like every single person in the city is cramming onto a SEPTA vehicle at rush hour. This winter’s holy-shit-it’s-cold temps and this week’s storm smörgåsbord are forcing cyclists, walkers and other non-transit-taking commuters to reconsider their options for getting around. Good for SEPTA revenues; bad for those of us who regularly commute by bus and train.
As annoying as meandering tourists and as lacking in self-awareness as toddlers, these people have taken over SEPTA without any regard for the rules of the ride. I now find myself wistful for the days when rowdy teenagers and well-rehearsed beggars were the people I ignored on the way to work. Here, a rundown of the unspoken commandments of commuting:
Commuter Etiquette Rule #1: Thou shalt not tweet on crowded trains
On an ordinary day, you can do whatever thumb exercises you want for the duration of your commute, but when the snow is pouring down, you have to kick your digital codependency for the sake of space. As more people squeeze into the vehicle, you should assume the following position: Stand up very straight, with one arm at your side and the other arm extended to the nearest pole for stability. Crooking your elbow to hold your iPhone takes up precious inches and makes you more likely to topple over.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #2: Thou shalt not trash talk fellow commuters
Not to other riders and especially not on a cell phone (since it should be in your pocket!).We know you’d much rather bike to work, but since you’re stuck with us, the very least you can do is keep your opinions about our sensible shoes and our travel mugs to yourself.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #3: Thou shalt sit when sitting is an option, even if you’re getting off at the next stop
If the train is very crowded, squeeze into whatever space is available to you. This means playing human Tetris whenever new riders get off and on. Sometimes this means you have to sit when you don’t want to because it makes more space for people in another section of the car. It’s not ideal, but commuting, like parenting, is all about making sacrifices.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #4: Thou shalt not hog the aisle seat
Legroom is a luxury reserved for the expensive seats on Amtrak and your couch.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #5: Thou shalt remain seated until the vehicle reaches your stop
You’re going to get off at your stop. Cross my heart. No one wants you to stay on this train a second longer than necessary and we will gladly help you extract yourself when the time comes. But trying to wiggle your way to the door two stops early is needlessly disruptive. Chill out, wait your turn, and don’t be afraid to shout “Coming out!” when the doors open.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #6: Thou shalt have exact change ready
We probably agree on this: The fact that SEPTA rides now cost $2.25 — instead of the easy-to-grab $2 — is a ginormous pain in the butt. But when you stop at the turnstile to fumble for that extra quarter — or worse, to huff and puff about SEPTA’s inadequacies — you make those of us who have made our peace want to stampede over you.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #7: Thou shalt not let your hand touch my hand for more than five seconds
We are both holding the same pole for stability. Sometimes, our gloves or our sweat — because despite it being nine degrees outside, it’s a balmy 85 on the MFL at all times — makes our hands slide into each other. This is an accidental thing and should be immediately corrected. Because, ew.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #8: Thou shalt let people off before you try to get on
The train is not going to leave without you. In fact — and this will blow your impatient mind — there will actually be more space on the train if you let departing passengers get off the train.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #9: Thou shalt clench thy stomach muscles
This will help you stay upright and prevent you from flopping into my very limited personal space every time the bus hits a pothole. And if you want to use this as an excuse to skip your Jillian Michaels tonight, that’s between you and her.
Commuter Etiquette Rule #10: Thou shalt thank your bus driver
Manners, people. It doesn’t take any time at all.
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