Did I watch the Eagles-Bears game last weekend? Yeah, some of it but not the entire game. I have my reasons. There was a good movie on HBO and a very insightful interview with Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson going on at the same time so I’m sure you can understand why I was a little distracted. Of course I wanted the Eagles to win. Of course I want the home team to win the Eagles-Saints game this weekend and go to the Super Bowl and blah blah blah.
But I’m not truly an Eagles fan.
I’m a Phillies fan. The Phillies are an uninspiring, lackluster, below-average team that, for the past few seasons have been sadly spiraling deep into mediocrity. That’s my team! I watched most of their games on TV. I was there when the Phillies lost their sixth straight game in a row in August and suffered each of Jonathan Papelbon’s blown saves. I sadly witnessed the continuing decline of Chase Utley and the end of Roy Halladay’s career at the hands of the Marlins in September. But I watched. And that is why, when the Phillies make it back to the postseason once Ruben Amaro is gone I will rightly deserve to be there in the stands watching, just like I was from 2007 to 2011. But I’m not that kind of Eagles fan. I don’t deserve to be in the stands this weekend. Do you?
Do you actually go to Eagles games?
Or is it that you’ve gone once or twice because a friend or your company offered you tickets. “It’s too expensive,” you complain. “Have you seen the price of a hot dog?” That’s why you’re not a fan. It is true that Eagles games are expensive. And the food is overpriced. But take a look at the crowd: There are many people at these sold out games who choose to pay. And most aren’t millionaires either. They make a financial commitment to their team. True Eagles fans go to games. Or at the very least they sit in the parking lot during games. They don’t complain about the prices, the lousy food or the weather. It’s their thing. If you’re not like that then you have no business being at a playoff game. Take your ticket and give it to one of these people. If it’s any consolation, they likely have little else in life to cheer for.
Do you even watch the games at home?
Like me, you’re probably just mildly interested when the Eagles are playing. You stumble on the game when it’s on as you’re flipping channels. You watch it, as long as they’re not replaying Godfather II on AMC. An Eagles game does not stop you from going out on a Sunday afternoon or even taking a nap. For the most part your day doesn’t revolve around the game. For some people, it does. Every Sunday, when they’re not actually at the game, they’re huddled around their TVs and cheering on the team. Every single game. And not just from the fourth quarter either. These are sad people mostly living meaningless, drunken lives. But they’re true Eagles fans. So be a sport and give your ticket to them.
Are you a drunk woman out with your friends who yells “woo-hoo” whenever there’s a TV camera around?
Are you wearing an oversized McCoy jersey even though if you closed your eyes you wouldn’t be able to remember his number? Do you have too much makeup on, chew gum and continue to yell “woo-hoo” even though the Eagles just turned over the ball and you have no idea what that means? Here’s some news for you: You may be good looking, but you are really annoying all the other fans in the bar. And don’t you even dare think of showing up at the Linc with a ticket. You have no right to be inside that stadium. So please, for God’s sake, just hand over that ticket to one of those little old ladies from Kensington who may not be as hot as you, but who at least know when to cheer and when not to.
Are you a child under the age of 8?
Stay home. Watch Dog With A Blog. No one wants to see a kid at these games, particularly a playoff game. It’s fine for kids to come to Eagles games when it’s just the regular season. But playoff tickets should be used by grown men and women who are truly fans of the team. Kids younger than eight generally have no clue what’s going on in a game. More importantly they will remember absolutely nothing about that night which is OK if you’re an adult and drank too much but if you can’t recall what happened at an Eagles playoff game then why in the world would you go? Playoff games are memories. And they should be experienced by people old enough to remember the big night, despite the number of brain cells killed by too many Yuenglings.
Do you know who had the most tackles on the team this season?
Can you name at least half of the team’s starting offensive or defensive lines? Who is the team’s punter? What’s the name of their offensive coordinator? What is Jason Avant’s number? These are simple questions for any Eagles fan. To purchase Eagles playoff tickets you must first be required to take a simple test. If you (like me) are unable to quickly answer these questions then you have no business being inside the Linc this Saturday.
After the Eagles won against the Cowboys this past weekend, one of our local news stations interviewed a woman who was watching the game on TV at a sports bar. “I’ve been a season ticket holder for 25 years,” she said. “And I can’t wait to go to the game and see my team beat the Saints!” This is a fan. This is not me. And this is not you. Stop pretending you’re a big Eagles fan. Stay home. Give your ticket to someone more deserving.
Follow @Gene Marks on Twitter.