When Fox News’ Megyn Kelly insisted last week that Santa Claus and Jesus Christ were both white dudes, it got me to thinking.
Was Our Lady of Paranoid Pigmentation on to something?
Quick recap: Kelly’s pronouncements were triggered by a column by Slate blogger Aisha Harris, an African American, who argued it was time to replace white Santa with … a penguin. (White and black, get it?)
Like any raconteur, Kelly didn’t let the facts get in the way of a good story. “For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white,” she said. Then, almost as an afterthought, she added that Christ was a Caucasian, too.
Two days later, after a firestorm of criticism, Kelly admitted she blew it with the Christ crack, acknowledging that the issue of his skin tone was “far from settled.” She stuck to her guns on Santa, though. Her critics, she said, were humorless race-baiters who didn’t understand she was kidding.
Really? Re-watching the original video (above), anyone with a double-digit IQ can see that Kelly’s as serious as a heart attack about Mr. Claus’ color. Her brows are furrowed, her voice so edgy it could cut glass. If this was her joking mode, I’d hate to be around when she’s pissed off.
Regardless of Kelly’s convenient hindsight, I took her Santa tirade seriously. So it is in that spirit that I present, for the first time in the history of Christmas, the honest, true, race-baiting 411 on his beloved flying reindeer.
Forget everything you’ve ever heard about this supposedly brown-hued collection of antlered magicians. It’s all a myth, created to enhance the fat white guy’s image. What follows are some of these reindeer’s real — and colorful — backstories. Buckle your sleigh belts.
Prancer was born in Atlanta with pink fur and undersized antlers. He is a go-go dancer at a popular gay reindeer disco near Anchorage. Sarah Palin stops by on Karaoke Nights.
Blitzen, a native of Israel, was named after blintzes — delicious thin, rolled pancakes filled with cheese and then fried. As a teen, he rebelled by dying his fur rainbow colors. He and Prancer used to date.
Cupid, the only member of Santa’s crew with naturally brown fur, runs a reindeer matchmaking service out of New Orleans. Business is slow. He loves heading North for Christmas.
Vixen, with flaming red fur, is the slut of the group. Last summer, however, he stopped putting notches on his antlers after catching an STD from a reindeer conventioneer. He lives in Milwaukee with his fiancee, Bambi, a local furrier.
Dancer has salt-and-pepper fur and teaches — wait for it — hooved flamenco dancing in East L.A. Once, while on a campaign swing in ’08, Sarah Palin showed up in class. They shared a dance. She led.
Rudolph, undisputed star of the motley crew, is an addictions counselor in Manhattan. His bulbous red nose is a leftover from his drinking days, as is his purple fur. When not running Reindeer 12 Step meetings, he’s a freelance producer for Animal Planet.
I love tradition, don’t you? Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.