Sixers: Tanking For High Draft Pick Exactly Like Creating The World’s First Democracy

The team’s new motto is fine. The explanation is over the top.

basketballSo, everybody knows that the Sixers are going to spend this year losing as much as possible in order to obtain the No. 1 draft pick, widely presumed at this point to be University of Kansas freshman Andrew Wiggins, right? So nobody’s going to hold it against the team for choosing “Together We Build” as its motto for the 2013-14 season, right?

Right.

What’s awful, though, is that the press release announcing the new slogan equates this season’s tank job with the Founders who came to Philadelphia to build the world’s first democracy. No, really. All we can do is print it in full, below, to give you a taste of the breathtaking audacity of it. You’ll want to put this music on, first:


OK, now the press release:

In 1776, our nation’s Founding Fathers gathered in Philadelphia to form the United States of America. Their vision for the country was great, but their dream took more than a pen stroke to be realized – it required hardship, years of challenge and a fervent commitment to progress to help them grasp what the future could hold.

And much like the Sixers, early America was plagued by the acquisition of a wunderkind center who had horrible knees and thus never played a game for the franchise. Metaphorically speaking.

Philadelphia is filled with landmarks hearkening back to those historic days, that speak to the city’s steadfastness in the face of adversity, and point to the sweet success achieved with an indomitable spirit.

The proud history of Independence Hall, where our nation was born. A freedom worth fighting for, symbolized by the Liberty Bell. Cobblestoned streets, where the feet of our forefathers meet those of today. The Benjamin Franklin Bridge, connecting a city and people with strength and grace.

At least there's no mention of the Rocky statue.

And Rocky Balboa, arms raised high in victory, just steps away from where he fought his demons to become great.

Oh dear. Well, hey, they can't lay this on any thicker, can they?

The traits of this city are ingrained in every bit of Philadelphia. Beyond gender, race, education, income and every other divider of people, there are creeds for which the City of Brotherly Love is known: Compassion with an edge, to drive progress and push forward. An insatiable drive to rise above adversity. A hunger to prove naysayers wrong. A hope that cannot be quenched.

One of the few things embodying that same essence – of uniting a people across all boundaries – is sport.

With these truths in mind, the Philadelphia 76ers today launched their new marketing campaign, titled “Together We Build.”

“The team’s vision is great – to work toward a future we can all be proud of, that will unite the people of Philadelphia and inspire our youth to achieve more,” said Sixers CEO Scott O’Neil. “We are at the foundation of our plan, but the Sixers will lean on one another as a team, taking the ideas and support of our fans and the passion of Philadelphia to press on toward our ultimate goal.”

Advertising for the campaign includes the meshing of iconic Philadelphia structures with industrial objects, symbolizing the building blocks needed to work toward greatness.

His truuuuuuuth is marching onnnnnnnn! That's right. This season's tank job by the Sixers is the most noble tank job in the history of America, and possibly of all human civilization. Thank God for the Sixers, and for their Jesus-blessed tank job.