It’s been a week since the Emmy nominations were announced and I’m still upset. While most focused on Netflix getting nominations for House of Cards and Arrested Development (the first time for non-network or cable shows), little attention has been given to the continued oversight of Parks and Recreation — the greatest comedy on TV — and its manly, mustached, government distrusting, woodworking, meat-loving, ex-wife hating supporting character Ron Swanson. With brilliant writing and Nick Offerman’s pitch perfect performance, it is unbelievable that only the Television Critics Association has recognized his work.
So the problem must lie with the voters — i.e., they must be intimidated by him. Here are some possible reasons why:
1. They’re strict vegetarians.
“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”
2. They own a cat or a small dog.
“Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.”
3. They are frequently called by the wrong name.
4. They’re pro-big government.
“I don’t want this parks department to build any parks, because I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese.”
5. They put skim milk in their coffee.
“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
6. They have relatives that are contractors.
7. They want to be your friend.
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
8. They’re named Tammy and were once married to Ron.
“Every time [Tammy] laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man.”
9. They’re rich women and/or on a diet.
10. They’re anti-child labor.
“I got my first job when I was 9. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.”
11. They like to celebrate birthdays
“I don’t like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don’t like people celebrating, because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
12. They believe in limits on sugary beverages.
13. They don’t like to hear the gory details about food poisoning.
“It’s food poisoning. I have it, too. I did not sleep for one second last night. And I cracked the bottom of the toilet bowl.”
14. They think you should always help others.
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.”