It’s about time! The Boy Scouts have decided to admit gay kids to the organization.I’m happy that calmer heads prevailed and their leadership is finally taking steps to move into the 21st century. But is the nation satisfied? No! More steps need to be taken. More needs to be done. So now that the organization’s leadership has opened up their minds to new and exciting opportunities, the door must be opened for making other big changes. Don’t worry: I’ve got a few to recommend.
1. Get Rid Of The Uniforms. For starters, please accept that you’re not the army. And walking around in green khakis and a shirt with sewed on badges is a death sentence for any kid under the age of 21. Ever seen those kids walking around saluting Hitler in pre-war Germany? Yup…that’s the image. If you really want to humiliate your members, why not just give them suits made out of spandex and red capes to wear? I suggest something lower key. Lose that stupid sash, the belt loop and that ridiculous looking neckerchief. Penalize anyone caught wearing those official knee high Boy Scout socks. And don’t sew on new merit badges either —it’s really not a good look. Instead, consider a cool Under Armour T-shirt with a nice logo in the corner. An adjustable baseball cap. A pair of basketball shorts. That’s all.
2. Introduce New Badges. And speaking of the badges, we need a few new ones to keep up with the times. Swimming and first aid are of course essential. But this is a different era, with different needs for today’s teenager. How about one for tech support? Or an app dev merit badge? Or advanced Jackass? How about a badge awarded for the scout who can keep his room clean for more than two weeks? Or for using actual grammar when emailing or texting? I know these are difficult to achieve, but we must ask our young men to reach for their potential. These are our future leaders, you know.
3. Eliminate All Forms Of Tent Pitching. Sorry, I couldn’t avoid making this joke. I promise I won’t make it again.
4. Get Girls. What better way is there to expand your organization than to merge with another? And what better way to attract more boys than to merge with a girl’s organization, like the Girl Scouts? These are real girls too: Earthy, athletic, curious, adventurous…not the prissy, People-magazine-reading types that turn their nose up at most teenage boys and who would rather be hit by lightning than be seen with a member of the Boy Scouts. To hell with them, I say. Merging with the Girl Scouts will not only provide an opportunity to turn those young boys into men, but, if cleverly negotiated, could give the Boy Scouts organization a piece of those thin mints profits, if you get what I’m saying.
5. Offer Football Scholarships. Yeah, that’s right. Football. Raise money from your members or get a few deep pocketed NFL sponsors and offer a half dozen or so full rides to Division 1 schools for any Boy Scout who plays for at least four years on the brand new kick-butt BSA Death Eaters Football Club. Recruit nationally. Assemble the biggest, baddest, scariest Boy Scouts this country has ever seen and send them on the road to destroy as many high school and club teams stupid enough to play them. Have them “mentor” the wimpiest nerds in the organization too. Anyone want to make fun of that Herbert Feeblebaum because he’s in the Boy Scouts now? I didn’t think so.
6. Admit A Few Honorary Members. Colleges bestow honorary degrees all the time. Big companies invite big names to join their boards. Celebrities frequently attach themselves to non-profits. I think it’s time for the Boy Scouts to jump into the fray. And I don’t mean wimpy nebishes like Justin Bieber or Leonardo DiCaprio. Offer a lifetime leadership role to Jay-Z or Kanye, or pick some badass athlete with street cred, drape a sash around his chest and call him your honorary ambassador. Let them market their colognes, jewelry and other bling to the scouts to get them looking as gangster as possible.
7. Create A New Motto. And once you’ve chosen your ambassador with the appropriate level of street cred, give him a motto to be proud of. Forget the “Be Prepared” thing….that’s too old school. Consider things like, “We’re the mother f***ing Boy Scouts” or “Join the Scouts or we’ll kick your a**.” The scouts have got to be keeping it REAL, do you hear what I’m saying? We really don’t need to “be prepared” for much anymore: We can just Google it.
8. Change The Handbook. For more than a hundred years, new scouts were given the official Boy Scout Handbook, a thick volume of tips and instructions that every scout needed to know, from the organization’s history to the actual and non-euphemistic right way to pitch a tent. It’s a mind-numbingly boring read and needs to be completely re-written to make it more interesting for a typical teenage boy. Sure, camping tips and rope-tying techniques are important, but what about advice for where to illegally download the latest episodes of Workaholics, how to get a fake ID that really looks legit and where to find the best porn online that won’t leave any evidence on your school computer. These are the things that today’s future scouts need to in order to turn them into the men of tomorrow.
9. Consider The Purge. At Jamboree this summer try this: Sanction “an annual 12-hour period in which any and all criminal activity-including murder-becomes legal. The police can’t be called. Hospitals suspend help. On this night plagued by violence and an epidemic of crime, (scouts will) wrestle with the decision of who they will become when a stranger comes knocking.” Ha ha. Isn’t that the most ridiculous idea you ever heard? Can you imagine if someone actually made a movie based on this premise? What?
10. Allow Gay Leaders. Psst…they’re fine. Really.
Why am I so interested in the future of the Boy Scouts of America? Because for more than 12 years I was in the Boy Scouts! In fact…now hold on…I’m an Eagle Scout too. Scouting taught me some of the most valuable lessons of my life and introduced me to some of the greatest people I’ve ever met. Because of this I want to see the organization prosper. Letting in gay kids is a big first step and I hope their leadership will continue to move forward at a (hopefully) quicker pace. Why? Because they’re the mother f***ing Boy Scouts!