This week’s release of Star Trek Into Darkness has nerds everywhere sweating through their completely un-ironic Captain Kirk t-shirts. But what’s getting their tighty-whities in a twist is the film’s take on Spock as a Vulcan love machine, locking lips with his Starfleet girlfriend, Uhuru. No matter how much chemistry there is between actors Zachary Quinto and Zoe Saldana, one thing I do not want to see is a Spock sex scene (even if it reveals an erotic use for the Vulcan nerve pinch). In an effort to spare our eyeballs from similar horrors, here’s a list of other pop culture figures who should keep their clothes on.
Known as a comedian, actor and singer of slow jams, Foxx will probably not engage in any boots-knockin’ in the upcoming Amazing Spider-Man 2. In the role of supervillain Electro, he sports creepy contacts and a toxic complexion that the Real Housewives of Atlanta would refer to as “ashy.” It’s hard to turn the lights down low when your skin is glowing like the stage at an EDM party.
Cersei and Jaime Lannister
There’s an undeniable love connection between these Game of Thrones power players—one is the most beautiful woman in all of Westeros, and (spoiler alert) even though he’s down a hand, the Kingslayer is still a stud. Just one problem—they’re siblings. Even in a land where everyone is doing anyone, anywhere, this is one romance that’s best left unconsummated (again).
I don’t care if he’s a member of the People magazine Sexiest Man Alive Hall of Fame, or if his love interest in next month’s World War Z looks a hell of a lot better when she’s not running around Seattle in frumpy sweaters on The Killing. I do not want to see tender embraces in a zombie apocalypse movie. I do not want to see sweet end-of-the-world lovemaking in a zombie apocalypse movie. I want to see zombies—tons of them, everywhere, engaged in various gory flesh-eating pursuits. To paraphrase veteran cockblocker Short Round, no time for love, Mr. Pitt.
As a fan of Lost who spent years hoping Lilly’s character would find a cache of bikinis on that damn island, it’s strange to hope she’ll be fully dressed and chaste in her upcoming film this December. But that movie is The Hobbit, and she plays an elf surrounded by a bunch of filthy dwarves, an ancient wizard and Bilbo Baggins. This chapter of Middle Earth’s history should be sex-free.
The guy who just won “Survivor”
There’s little not to like about John Cochran, the self-deprecating geek who won Survivor: Caramoan on Sunday night. He’s got a Harvard Law degree, spent years religiously watching the show with his parents, and gave out his Twitter handle to all the single ladies during the show’s finale. He’s also proof that all you need to get laid is prime-time television exposure and a million bucks. Luckily, I think he’s too smart to release a sex tape.
Flo from the Progressive commercials
The perky pitchwoman should never appear in a sexual situation. Or any other situation, on television, radio or internet pop-up. Like the cavemen, the duck and the Target lady before her, Flo has overstayed her welcome by about 57 annoying ads.
I understand why women wouldn’t mind a long trip at sea with Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow; despite the dreadlocks and a clear disdain for showering, the guy had charisma. But not since Edward Scissorhands has Depp been so undoable as he looks as Tonto in July’s The Lone Ranger. Sure, there’s an air of smoldering mystery about him as the Comanche sidekick. But he wears a dead crow on his head. That’s a deal-breaker.