Attention Philadelphia entrepreneurs! Shark Tank is coming to town and holding open auditions on May 11th. Don’t you want to be the next startup sensation? Gain national attention? Become rich and famous? Meet Mark Cuban? Of course you do. Well, you better get working. Here, some ideas to inspire you.
1. The WegmanScan. Don’t you find food shopping annoying? Well, not any longer! Instead of the exasperating process of placing your groceries into a cart, then taking them off the cart and putting them on a counter to pay, and then taking them off the counter and putting them back into your cart so that you can take them out of the cart and put them in your car, the WegmanScan lets you walk through a scanner just like the ones at airport security. The Sharks will be impressed by its patented radio frequency ID technology that detects all the barcodes and lets you swipe your credit card in under two minutes.
2. The CharlieCourse. CharlieCourse solves a problem for every true Phillies fan: sitting next to a dopey teenage girl during Game 3 of the NLCS who doesn’t know Utley from a pair of UGGs, and who’s only at the game because her daddy scored tickets through work. Barely acceptable during the regular season, people like that should never be allowed into a post-season game. CharlieCourse is an online process that blends the purchase of a Phillies post-season ticket with a 10-question trivia test about the Fightins. Unable to identify our third base coach? No tickets for you!
3. MoreAMeato. Finally, a cool, trendy, hip and delicious restaurant in the heart of Center City that actually offers normal-sized entrees instead of the tiny little slivers of food. Sure, at MoreAMeato, you’ll spend more than 40 bucks for that grilled duck. But the Sharks will appreciate that customers won’t have to stop at a McDonalds on the way home to get some actual food in their bellies.
4. Jack’s Adult Baby Shampoo. A shampoo that actually reverses male-pattern baldness in just two weeks. Hey, a guy can ask, can’t he?
5. UrineTheGame. What’s the worst part of any Eagles game? That’s when you’ve been tailgating all morning and consuming many cans of warm Bud and then, the moment you sit in your seat, nature calls. And if you’re like most guys over the age of 40, nature keeps calling every 20 minutes or so once you’ve opened up the spigots. You’ve just spent hundreds on your ticket, and now you’re missing half the game. UrineTheGame would partner with the Eagles to install patented, self-sterilizing suction hoses at each seat that are discretely tied to the stadium’s plumbing system. Just quietly attach yourself to the hose and let nature take its course.
6. Pirates of the Schuylkill. Connecting King of Prussia to Penn’s Landing, this lovely boat ride will make stops at Norristown, Manayunk, City Avenue and various points in Center City. This ferry service will not only provide a scenic way to get to work, but help relieve traffic problems. Getting permission from Disney for naming rights will be helpful till someone can figure out how the boats can survive that little waterfall wake-me-upper just past Boathouse Row.
7. PhillyRep. You’ve heard of those products that help improve your online reputation? This will help Philadelphia’s online reputation. Develop this software and sell it to City Hall or the Visitors Bureau or the business community, and any negative online reference to our great city will be replaced by “loves puppies.” The next Drudge Report story that says “Philly cop punches innocent bystander” instantly becomes “Philly cop loves puppies.” Also expect to see in the news: “Phillies fan loves puppies,” and “Philly flash mob loves puppies.”
8. Heartbreaker Insurance. This service will protect nostalgic Baby Boomers, a great target market. Here’s how it works: Anyone who buys insurance, say, for their June 21st Rolling Stones show ticket at the Wells Fargo Center, receives a full refund if one of the Stones cannot complete the performance due to arthritis, high blood pressure, dementia or loss of memory. More than three interruptions caused by prostate pressures is also covered. Next up: similar coverage for Springsteen, The Who and Tony Bennett.