10 Mysteries About Girls Gone Wild Declaring Bankruptcy

A wild and mysterious thing happened last week: The company that owns Girls Gone Wild, and all its related brands, went bankrupt.

Everyone who owned a TV set during the ’90s and early 2000s knows about Girls Gone Wild. They filmed college girls on spring break taking their tops off, compiled all the footage onto a VHS cassette, and sold the tapes to horny guys of all ages around the world by the truckload. The company’s founder, Joe Francis, made truckloads of money too. And let’s not fault him. He saw a market opportunity. He capitalized. He profited. It was legal. Well … most of the time anyway.

But the bankruptcy story raises more questions than answers.

Girls Gone Wild filed for bankruptcy because casino mogul Steve Wynn won a defamation lawsuit against Francis. And no, it wasn’t because Wynn was found to have small breasts when he took his top off (although I’m betting he does). It’s because Francis claimed that Wynn threatened to kill him with a shovel. Quincy Jones, the famed record producer, testified in Wynn’s defense. Wynn’s lawsuit was added to three other existing claims including one from a woman who was filmed without her permission (this was in the Girls Gone Wild Sorority Orgy series, which I must have missed while catching up on the last two seasons of Homeland, but I hear it was just terrific). Francis plans to survive, saying: “Just like American Airlines and General Motors, it will be business as usual for Girls Gone Wild.”

The company filed for Chapter 11 reorganization, listing $50,000 in assets and $16.3 million in debt. The litigant mentioned above claims the company is hiding its assets, including its trademarks for videos, websites, the Girls Gone Wild magazine, and clothing and apparel that total more than … ready? $20 million.

Questions? Oh, I have a few! Because the whole thing is mysterious to me.

1. Why was Girls Gone Wild still in business anyway? What are they selling? Are there that many horny men around who are paying for videos and DVDs? Have they never heard of the Internet? I’ve been doing extensive research for this blog (yes, that’s right, extensive research!) and don’t all the titles look the same? How about a Girls From Downton Abbey Go Wild? Or Girls From HBO’s Girls Go Wild? Where’s the innovation?

2. What assets? The company’s bankruptcy filing listed $16.3 million in debt and $50,000 in assets. How can a company like this even have any assets? Is it stacks of VHS tapes sitting in the corner? The Hollywood rights to “Sexiest Shower Scenes”? Here’s a depressing thought: My little company has more assets than Girls Gone Wild. That should make Francis stop and ponder while he’s ordering another round of drinks on the private jet he owns.

3. Why would Steve Wynn threaten to kill Francis with a shovel? The guy’s a billionaire. He can’t hire someone else to do it? And a shovel? Seems so Goodfellas.

4. How can there only be four lawsuits? And why is there only one from someone who didn’t give permission to be in their videos? They’ve filmed thousands of girls over the years, with dozens pulling up their shirts at the same time. Most of these girls were highly inebriated. I’m sure the producers got most of them to sign waivers. But how is it possible that everyone signed?

5. There’s a Girls Gone Wild magazine? Who’s reading that?

6. Why is Quincy Jones involved? Isn’t he like 110 years old by now? And why did he never make another album as good as The Dude?

7. Is Francis really comparing himself to American Airlines and General Motors? Because if he is then: respect. It takes a lot of chutzpah to compare your little soft-porn business with $50,000 in assets and tired old brands to two of the country’s largest and most well-known companies.

8. Someone actually believes that Girls Gone Wild has trademarks valued at $20 million? $20 million! It is amazing to me what some people think their business is actually worth, let alone other people’s businesses. “Oh, that guy’s loaded!” People aren’t as rich as you think. And your business isn’t as valuable as you think either.

9. Is there a flattering picture of Joe Francis somewhere? Because every article, every image, every picture I see of him online he looks like a douche. I probably feel this way because I’m jealous. He’s built a business around topless girls. I make a fraction of what he does by selling computer software to primarily bearded tech guys wearing sandals.

10. Most importantly: Why Chapter 11? Bankruptcy is why America is so great: We can go into deep debt, and if things don’t work out, leave our creditors holding the bag. Kind of makes me teary just thinking about it.