Analyzing Bernie Parent’s Incoherent Valentine’s Day Inky Column

The Philadelphia Inquirer has awarded former Flyers goalie and current self-help guru Bernie Parent 700 seemingly unedited words every two weeks to ruminate on whatever he wants. Unfortunately, he blew his Valentine’s Day topic prematurely on his February 1st column “Unleash your hidden wolf on Valentine’s Day,” in which he advised his readers  to “Stay horny, my friends.” So yesterday, in his hotly-anticipated V-Day piece “Enrich and nourish the mind, body and soul will follow,” Bernie had trouble figuring out exactly what he wanted to say.

Part I. “It is imperative to make clear the difference between the feeling of loneliness and being alone.” This is a valid point, but after a few paragraphs Bernie runs out of steam and retreats into the comfortable world of New Agisms. “Ask yourself this question: ‘What am I thinking about?’ Once you have the answer, you have the ability to change it.”

Part II. But enough about that, let’s address “the material things,” as you put it. “There was a time that I lived on a beautiful, 50-foot boat,” he writes. “But the amazing thing is that I’ve also floated around aimlessly in a canoe with the biggest grin on my face, the happiest guy in the world.” That’s a great image, by the way.

Part III. Oh wait, I didn’t just write that to brag about my remarkable serenity or my natty yacht. “Sure, material things are nice, but they will never provide you with the happiness and fulfillment that you seek.”

Part IV. Speaking of material things, V-Day gifts aren’t all they seem. “If you buy your partner gifts out of obligation, your partner may end up resenting your gesture. At this point, it becomes a phony situation, and you are better off not buying anything at all.” Man, I wish you had told me that before Valentine’s Day.

Part V. Some closing thoughts, a propos nothing, which are about as specific as a horoscope on a fortune cookie. “You don’t always get what you want, but you always get what you attract. What you are attracting is what you are thinking.”

Stay helpful my friend,

Simon