10 Gifts You Absolutely Should Not Buy Your Wife for Valentine’s Day

You’re better off saying you completely spaced on the holiday.

In our stuff-obsessed society, people talk a lot about the stress of gift giving for Christmas and birthdays. But coupled-up dudes know that the riskiest gift-giving day of the year is Valentine’s Day, because there is all the pressure of other occasions combined with a special bonus: you definitely, definitely want to end up in bed. It’s very easy to buy the wrong thing for the lady in your life. Here, a list of things you should avoid at all costs. Unless, of course, getting laid is not on your V-Day agenda.

1. Intangible things like stars or walruses.
True story: My boyfriend once adopted a walrus in my honor. Her name is Cecilia. I’m sure she’s a very nice walrus and hey, I’m glad someone donated some money to conservation efforts. But I promise you, men who think naming a star after your ladyfriend is romantic: It is not. We want a thing or an activity.

2. Housewares.
Unless she asked for it, anything that can be used to cook for you, clean for you or otherwise improve the quality of your life while forcing her to do extra work will be seen as really, really selfish.


3. Mall jewelry.
Including, but not limited to Jane Seymour's Open Heart necklace, which looks like two butts stacked atop each other.

4. Gold-dipped roses.
Apparently, this is a thing florists think women want. We do not. Forever rose? Forever tacky. Same goes for Vermont teddy bears. Actually, anything advertised on the radio.

5. A stripper pole.
Unless the woman in your life is actually stripper, there is no way that this will not result in you sleeping on the couch. Possibly, for the rest of your life.

6. Pizza Hut perfume.
This exists. And they're trying to virally market it in conjunction with Valentine's Day by encouraging people to use the hashtag #LastMinuteLovers to win the Eau de Pizza Hut (actual name). There's no way this ends well, even if it's a gag gift.

7. A dozen roses.
A little creativity, please. They're overpriced, not nearly as pretty as some other blooms and probably going to be dead in two days. This is doubly true if you get the neon-spray-painted ones.

8. Fruit flowers.
Seriously, these are the grossest things on earth. How many people do you think handle that fruit before it gets to you? What kind of chemicals do you think they spray on it to keep it looking so fresh? It's basically offering her a pile of bacteria on the most romantic day of the year.

9. Bath products she doesn't already use or hasn't specifically asked for.
Trust me. The chances that you will buy something that she is allergic to or hates the smell of are SO HIGH. Don't risk it.

10. A picture of yourself.
Unless she is one million years old and does not have an iPhone or a digital camera or Facebook, she already has this, you putz.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/steve.deshong Steve DeShong

    As a flower store owner, I can’t agree more with #7! But you do love flowers don’t you? How about locally grown flowers, free of pesticides and fungicides? And not only on Valentines Day!!

    • ericapalan

      Locally grown, free of pesticides and fungicides sounds lovely to me. Just none of those neon-sprayed roses! So tacky.

    • SEH

      And nix the dyed flowers and food-coloring-added water! Also lose the baby’s breath, staghorn ferns and fillers! Add instead more flowers or flowering herbs…or simply go with all one type of flower…as if they were just gathered straight from the garden. Nothing is more lovely (or romantic!) than a weekly nosegay or pave’ of a single type of premium flower. Even a huge pave’ of inexpensive, simple pink carnations is gorgeous (as seen in “Sex in the City”)….

  • Olivia

    You are dead on with this list. That open heart necklace is TERRIBLE. And I’m glad you added the caveat to housewares because I’d gladly ask for and accept a Vitamix.

  • N/A

    If you get him a terrible gift, do you sleep on the couch?

    • Brian

      Since she’s a professional gift guide maker, she doesn’t have to worry about that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kate.e.voorheis Kate Voorheis

    Are you kidding me? I would LOVE if my boyfriend adopted a walrus in my honor!

    But then, I’ve been told I’m not normal. 0=)

    • http://www.facebook.com/kate.e.voorheis Kate Voorheis

      Totally spot-on about the butt-necklace though. Ugh. Atrocious.