Why Blue Ivy Carter Needs to Marry Princess Kate’s Baby

And five other potential matches for the royal fetus. It’s never too early!

A woman I know absolutely nothing about, who has a ceremonial position in a country I’ve never been to, is pregnant. Of course I’m excited!

I’m speaking, of course, of Princess Kate. It’s the little baby the whole world can care about, even if we’re not really sure why. I know I suddenly care and I have no idea why. I can barely generate excitement for the babies of my friends, but I’ve already had two debates on what the baby’s name should be. The news has been tempered with the news of Kate’s hospitalization for hyperemesis gravidarum, an apparently excruciating condition of extreme morning sickness. Get well soon, Kate!

Anyway, Kate’s pregnancy announcement was a whole two days ago. If I learned anything from the speculation for 2016 starting well before the 2012 election had was over, it’s that you can never advance a story quickly enough. For journalism, I mean.

That’s right: Here are my top six possible matches for Will and Kate’s royal baby. If any of these happen, I demand a finder’s fee.

1. Blue Ivy Carter. The most obvious, and really only choice. Will and Kate’s baby needs to be a boy, and he needs to marry Blue Ivy. Anyone not seriously lighting candles for this, start. Princess Blue Ivy would be the most perfect celebrity story ever.

I mean, could you imagine the wedding Jay-Z, Beyonce and the British Royal Family would throw? Sure, you say, Jay-Z would be in his 60s by the time Blue Ivy gets married. So what? Jay-Z is only going to be cooler in his 60s. Sure, I expect some Jay-Z missteps in his 40s (he’s with Coldplay on New Year’s Eve) and his 50s (I dunno, cheesy Cosby Show ripoff?) but by his 60s Jay-Z will be an elder statesman, and as cool as he’s been since Reasonable Doubt. The party he would throw for his daughter’s wedding into the British royal family would possibly also bring about world peace.

I assume some in England would have some issues with the heir apparent marrying an American, but as long as Blue Ivy hasn’t been divorced before getting married to the future king, what’s the big deal? Also, even if she is, it’s not 1936 anymore! This hypothetical union is too hypothetically important.

I suppose, for some reason, this scenario might not happen. Sigh … so here are a few more.

2. One of David and Victoria Beckham’s kids. The Beckhams have four, and they’re named Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper, so as with Blue Ivy we know there’s no chance of the royal kid having the same name. Wikipedia says the couple’s net worth is a around $200 million, so—while they may be new money—they have experience being part of an elite social circuit. Brooklyn’s the oldest and he’s 13, which I think is still an acceptable age difference. A decent consolation prize!

3. Will and Kate have 8 babies, and they all marry Jon and Kate’s kids. Almost too easy. The only question: Which channel gets the reality show? TLC’s stuff is crap, so I’m hoping E! can swoop in and steal this one.

4. A Brangelina kid. I know, more American parents! But Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are international megastars. Shiloh, Knox, and Vivienne (or their adopted kids: Maddox, Pax, Zahara) must live a life of strange pseudo-royalty already. I mean, Maddox got a motorbike for his 11th birthday. “He wants the boys to be able to ride them on private land,” a source told E! When Suzuki is commenting on your birthday presents to American news organizations, you might as well already be royalty. A good fit.

5. Jaden Smith or Willow Smith. People in Philadelphia—your parents, maybe—got excited for the 1956 wedding a good Philadelphia girl to Rainier III, Prince of Monaco. Don’t we deserve a Grace Kelly story for the 21st century? Will Smith’s kids are getting a little old—Jaden is 14, and Willow 12—but no matter.

6. My hypothetical children. Man, can you imagine how easy my life would be if my child married into a royalty? I don’t have any immediate plans for kids, but let’s say I have one in my 30s: I could groom him or her into a possible royal consort and settle in to a life of luxury living off my kid. (It’s the American way!) I could even get a sweet book deal like Pippa Middleton did! I’ve changed my mind: This is my favorite option.

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