If They Can Make a Casablanca Sequel, They Will Stop at Nothing

What’s next? Titanic 2? The Search for Rosebud?

Because Americans, especially those responsible for making movies, can never leave well enough alone, there is a script for a sequel to Casablanca. Even worse? There is someone who wants it made.

Producer Cass Warner, the granddaughter of Warner Bros. co-founder Harry Warner, has a script and the 1980 treatment to a sequel written by Howard Koch, the original screenwriter of Casablanca. Warner told Entertainment Weekly, that Koch showed her the work when she was a student in his screenwriting class.

“It was just gold, “ Warner said. “When he pulled out and showed it to me, I almost fainted.”

I wish she had. Maybe she would have conked her head on Koch’s coffee table and forgotten everything.

Here’s how Yahoo! Movies describes this … this … this … thing.

Return to Casablanca is the working title of Koch’s treatment. The story revolves around Ilsa (originally played by [Ingrid] Bergman) and Victor Laslo’s search for Rick ([Humphrey] Bogart) who had joined Free French forces that opposed a Nazi general in North Africa. Turns out, Ilsa had Rick’s son. Nope, the kid wasn’t her husband Laslo’s. According to the treatment, Ilsa’s son, now in his twenties, is “handsome, tough-tender young man reminiscent of his father.”

For those who haven’t seen Casablanca (1942), timeless and smooth and romantic, do so immediately. It’s a wonderful heartbreak of a movie with a perfect ending. That’s not why a sequel is ill advised. Most great movies, especially those made after 1970, have sequels, but most were first revealed a few years later, not 70, like the looming storm that is Return to Casablanca.

In a painful twist, New York Post film critic Lou Lumenick, who broke this sequel story, wrote that shortly after Casablanca won the Academy Award for Best Picture, “Warner Bros. announced a sequel called Brazzaville— after the location of the Free French garrison mentioned in the last scene. But this ‘beginning of a beautiful friendship’ only got as far as a treatment by Frederic Stephani.”

This isn’t about lost momentum, but a violation of common sense—what shavedchest smoothie is going to pass himself as Humphrey Bogart’s progeny, never mind the poor soul who plays Rick?—and the desecration of a national treasure.

If Return to Casablanca gets made, it’s only a matter of time before more perfectly resolved movies get destroyed by perfect idiots.

Titanic 2: Revenge Floats: The once-mighty ship, thanks to a chemical reaction brought on by years of water pollution, comes to life and vows revenge on the iceberg and its family. Features two new songs by Celine Dion. Inspired, unfortunately, by Jaws: The Revenge.

Goodladies: Henry Hill’s grown-up daughters (Jennifer Love Hewitt and Kate Hudson) are drawn to the family business when they find a key to Dad’s old hideout taped to a bottle of roasted red peppers. Dad is long gone, but will mom (Lorraine Bracco) put a hit on their plans?

One Dunks Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: After the Chief (Dwayne Johnson) runs away from the insane asylum, he becomes the starting center for the Portland Trailblazers, joining forces with R.P. McMurphy’s quick-thinking nephew (Christian Slater), who becomes his agent.

The Search for Rosebud: An intrepid features writer (Steve Carell) hits the road in search of Charles Foster Kane’s mysterious “Rosebud,” which leads to a comedy of errors involving a ditzy, parasol-twirling stripper named, you guessed it, Rosie Buds (Megan Fox).

Aloha, Memories: The students from Ridgemont High—and their rowdy kids—are back for their 30-year high-school reunion. It’s time to party like it’s 1982, dudes! And Brad, be sure to lock the bathroom door this time!

The Wrath of Zihuatenejo: It’s 1982 and Shawshank prison pals Red (Morgan Freeman) and Andy (Tim Robbins) are still enjoying building boats and sipping suds in Zihuatenejo, Mexico. But the sandy, sleepy town harbors a deep, evil secret—the kind that can only spring from the twisted mind of horror master Stephen King. You’ll hope. You’ll hope. For death!

Graduate School: Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) and Elaine Robinson-Braddock (Katharine Ross), who endured that silent bus ride that concluded The Graduate, are shocked when their twentysomething son (John Krasinski) successfully seduces Dad’s business partner’s wife (Susan Sarandon). The tables get turned in this delightful comedy about growing up. Directed by Nancy Meyers.

It Was A Wonderful Life: Directed by the uncompromisingly grim Michael Winterbottom, what happens when the cheering stops and Mary (Michelle Williams) and George Bailey (Philip Seymour Hoffman) must face their humdrum lives in the midst of a decaying Bedford Falls and years of familiarity?

Higher Noon: Just when Marshal Will Kane thinks he’s out, they pull him back in. Directed with violent poetry Nicolas Winding Refn (Drive). Taylor Lautner and Selena Gomez inherit the roles made famous by Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly.

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