Superstorm Sandy has come and gone, and hopefully you stayed safe and weathered out the storm out with friends, family, pets and liquor. The storm caused untold devastation, but there’s also this: Chris Christie’s going to move Halloween trick-or-treating! (Remember, kids don’t vote.) If kids are upset that they’re missing out on candy for a few days, though, there’s hope: If Halloween is rescheduled for a weekend night, they’ll have even more time to get candy!
In many areas, though, the storm didn’t hit so hard and Halloween celebrations can continue. But, if you’re a procrastinator like me, you probably don’t get your costume together until the very last minute. Don’t fret!
1. Chris Christie, Governor
Materials: A navy blue fleece with “CHRIS CHRISTIE * GOVERNOR *” on it, some pillows underneath for girth.
Downside: You have to spend your entire night yelling at people.
Notes: Unless you have a last-minute embroidery person, you’re going to have to just write “CHRIS CHRISTIE * GOVERNOR *” on a piece of paper and tape it to your fleece. But this is a last-minute costume! People will understand if you kind of have to half-ass it. Just complain about Atlantic City, rock out to Springsteen and roll your eyes at reporters.
Another option: Dress as Mayor Nutter and wear a a Fox 29 hat and a St. Joe’s Prep fleece.
2. Hurricane Sandy
Downsides: This is the tackiest costume possible. Don’t do this.
Notes: Look, I had to put this there because undoubtedly it’s going to pop into your head. But let’s be clear: Don’t go as Hurricane Sandy for Halloween. It was maybe permissible on Saturday—I saw quite a few Frankenstorm costumes that night—but it’s even tackier after the storm has hit. Then again, this is Philadelphia, so maybe you should wear the tackiest costume possible. Dress as Sandy Duncan or Sandy Koufax—just write “Dodgers” in blue on a shirt—or whatever and then tape some leaves and tree branches to yourself. And then get beat up by everyone for being so awful
Another option: Dress like noted Penn grad Donald Trump. Put on a suit, find some roadkill to wear as a toupee, and brag about how great you are while questioning Obama’s birthplace all night.
3. Disheveled Andrew Bynum
Photo via Buzzfeed
Materials: None; just roll out of bed and show up at the party looking disheveled
Downsides: Absolutely none. Go Sixers!
Notes: Did you know the 76ers season starts tonight? Yep, and guess what: They’re gonna be good this year! Don’t believe the haters in the national media; they didn’t like Allen Iverson either except that year they voted him MVP. (Okay, maybe they liked Iverson plenty.) It took a Derrick Rose injury to get the 76ers to the second round last year, but they landed top-2 center Andrew Bynum and have some guys that can shoot this year for the first time since, I dunno, ever. Bynum’s out with an injury right now, but once he returns he’ll be the star. Get in on the ground floor!
Another option: A locked-out member of the Philadelphia Flyers. Just don’t show up to the party because you have a job to do in Europe.
4. The Alleged Mayfair Tire Slasher
Materials: Earring, gold chain, t-shirt and probably sweatpants.
Downside: Definitely no one will get this.
Notes: Earlier this year, a wave of tire slashings struck Mayfair. This situation led to great quotes from neighbors, like Robert Bennett: “I thought it was pretty stupid. I wear a shirt that says ‘CSI: Can’t Stand Idiots.’ That’s what it is, idiots being out.” Self-styled (but not official) town watch member David Toledo was even harsher: “I hope the cops get them before the neighbors find out who it is because something bad is going to happen.” The next month, Toledo was arrested for slashing tires. Commemorate this great moment in Philadelphia history with a costume!
Another option: Frank Rizzo. Just wear a tux and put a nightstick in your cummerbund.