Why, Jersey Shore Beachgoers, Why?

14 things to wonder while you people-watch from your patch of sand.

I’m lucky enough to spend some time at the Jersey Shore during the summer, and I’ve made some observations. Here goes.

1. Why do boys (young and old) go up on top of the dunes or up to the bulkhead and pee while looking around? Look up, idiots, there are two- and three-story houses all around.

2. Why do beautiful young men and women cover their bodies with tattoos?

3. Why do I feel guilty gawking at them? Isn’t that why they put them there?

4. Why do young women with great big jiggly muffin tops wear itty-bitty bikinis. Do they have no friends? Don’t own a mirror?

5. Why do people play horseshoes and sundry other sand games in the most crowded part of the beach?

6. Why don’t people wear flip-flops for traversing the hot sand instead of hopping and running while wearing a pained expression?

7. Why don’t they pick up their trash and dispose of it in the trash receptacles that are all over the beach? Don’t want to hop and skip to the cans (see #6)?

8. Why do they bring food and fight off seagulls while trying to eat? Wouldn’t an umbrella do the trick?

9. Why do they complain about how far away from the beach they have to park and then walk for miles down the beach when they get there?

10. Why do they aim for me with their boogie boards? Am I wearing a bull’s-eye?

11. Why do teenagers spend most of their waking hours with earbuds in their heads but, on the beach, the earbuds are left at home and the radio is loud enough for the idiots peeing on the sand dunes to hear?

12. Why do they wade out and swim where they’re not supposed to, forcing the lifeguard to stop watching the ones following the rules, and stroll down beach to chastise the ones who aren’t? Swimming near the jetty is just too enticing?

13. Why do they pretend to be asleep when the badge checker comes around? She’s relentless and will stalk you until you produce a badge or pay up.

14. Why do they argue with the poor badge checker anyway? She’s just doing her job, and she’s all of 14, so stop being so mean and buy a damn badge.

Be respectful of our online community and contribute to an engaging conversation. We reserve the right to ban impersonators and remove comments that contain personal attacks, threats, or profanity, or are flat-out offensive. By posting here, you are permitting Philadelphia magazine and Metro Corp. to edit and republish your comment in all media.

  • rizzlehizzle1

    You should be more careful with the messages you are sending in your funny little blog posts. I am disgusted that you chose to belittle women who are confident enough to put on a bikini even though they don’t have what you deem to be an acceptable body shape. Really, you’re going to use this column to FAT SHAME? Way to go. This post is the reason I unliked Philadelphia Magazine on facebook and also the reason that I will never pick up another issue again. My muffin top and I will read much more insightful and intelligent journalism while at the beach, thanks.

  • Joanne Huntsman

    I agree with the author, keep your muffin top covered…and this is the reason you won’t pick up another issue…good because we don’t need more narrow minded, narcissistic readers. Believe me honey when I say that is just unattractive and should be left in the privacy of you own bedroom. When was blubber ever attractive??