Republicans Lose the Cutest Religious Zealot in Presidential Race

Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race for the Republican nomination for president, and no one is very surprised by that. In fact, it’s pretty amazing that he got as far as he did with his myopic platform. Does anyone know what he thinks of besides abortion? Anyway, the field narrows. With the suspension of Santorum’s campaign, however, we lost one of the cutest candidates we’ve seen for a while. I know, slightly ferret-ish but still an attractive man. Mitt Romney, the presumptive candidate is a good-looking guy, too, but there’s a blankness there, no sparkle in the eye indicating maybe some fire in the belly.

Therein, perhaps, lies the Republican conundrum. You can argue center, right, Tea Party all you want, I’d like to suggest that an equally important factor, sadly, is “face” value. Rick Perry was the savior because he looked so presidential. Handsome, good posture, nice hair … and then he opened his mouth, stammered and mis-stepped his way right out of the race. Chris Christie never got into the race, and many said he was too fat for the job anyway. Gingrich is an amazingly smart guy and well-spoken—no one can take that away from him—but, let’s face it, he looks like a glazed donut. And Ron Paul sounds like a Main Line teenager.

Barack Obama has an 18-point lead with female voters and, with Santorum out of the race, we have no religious fanatic in the game, so I’m thinking that the perfect Republican candidate just might be Tim Tebow. Think about it! He definitely has serious face value, just as cute as can be, so hello to the female vote. He’s got the religious fanaticism thing all wrapped up so welcome back to all the evangelicals. And he doesn’t stutter, stammer or sound nasal and whiney. To be honest, I don’t know if he’s a good dresser or not, but that’s an easy fix. He takes criticism really well; that’s a plus for a presidential candidate. And there don’t seem to be any scandals in his past, no ex-wives, ugly divorces, shady business dealings, bad haircuts.

Besides, politics is a much better career choice than football. Though there are no clear winners and losers, and that might be mentally frustrating to our quarterback, it’s also true that it’s just as rough and dirty a game. At least no one will be trying to destroy him for a bounty. At least, not in public.