Why Did My Massage Therapist Spend So Much Time on My Stomach?

And more importantly, why couldn’t I just speak up and tell him to focus on my back?

I was sitting in the waiting area of the spa with my sister, who’d given me a gift certificate for a massage as a Christmas gift. An attendant poked her head around the door: “Emily? Your masseuse will be right out. He’s just getting the room ready.” I almost choked on my chilled lemon water. He?

“I didn’t think you had a preference,” my sister said when I turned to face her, wide-eyed and speechless. I quickly shrugged it off, not wanting to hurt her feelings. The masseuse was probably old, maybe he was gay, perhaps the sight of my pale, pre-New-Year’s-detox body would gross him out and he’d ask for another client. And then he came around the corner—young, probably not gay, with a thick accent and a crop of short brown hair. He was a dead ringer for Novak Djokovic, the Serbian tennis star. I wanted to text my husband—Novak is giving me a massage!—but I didn’t think he’d appreciate it. Who wants to know their wife is about to get a naked rubdown from a guy who looks like a pro athlete?

I tried to rationalize the whole thing as I walked to the candlelit room. Novak was a professional. He’d seen hundreds, maybe thousands, of naked backs. He probably didn’t even see skin anymore, just taught muscle bands and knots. I started to relax.

And then without warning, about half an hour in, he situated a laughably small piece of material over my chest, pulled the sheet down, and proceeded to massage my bare stomach.

I wanted to die. Throw up, laugh, or die.

I thought about speaking up: Um, excuse me, Novak? I’m sure this is well-intentioned and all, but I actually don’t carry too much of my stress in my belly. It’s really more around my neck area … But I didn’t. Looking back at it, I wish I had. I just lay there as he prodded my intestines, convincing myself that he was gay and a stomach massage was perfectly normal.

Once Novak moved to less awkward territory, I began to think about how many minutes he’d wasted rubbing my ribs rather than the spot just below my shoulder blade that was really bothering me. Five minutes? Eight? Why couldn’t I take control of this massage? I certainly don’t have a problem notifying the waitress if my order is wrong, and I’m not shy about reminding a chatty Septa passenger that the first car is the quiet car. Why, when I’m lying on a table with a stranger massaging my bare skin, is it so hard to speak up?

I thought about the last massage I’d had at a different spa a few weeks prior. It had been going well—the female masseuse applied perfect pressure, and she instantly targeted my tight muscles—until she began to talk. She regaled me with tales of her bipolar ex-husband, her fertility troubles, and her messy divorce. I kept quiet for as long as I could bear to, but it felt rude to lay there in silence while she poured her heart to me, so I eventually responded with a few encouraging “mms.”  After all, I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t paying attention.

As Novak massaged my feet, I became increasingly frustrated with my inability to tell people—namely massage therapists—what I want. They want to know, of course. They deserve to know. It makes their jobs easier, and it makes my service that much better. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell Novak that he could just lay off my legs entirely—I’d rather him focus solely on my back—and when the massage was over, I thanked him profusely and left a generous tip. Not exactly the most forthright approach.

I always tell them what to do and what not to do,” a friend told me when I relayed the stomach massage story. “If you’re lying there tense and uncomfortable, then what’s the point?” She was right. I needed to start speaking up.

I recently booked a massage at a third spa. When they asked if I had a masseuse preference, I requested a female. And then in a sudden burst of courage, just before hanging up, I blurted it out:

Oh, and no stomach massage.

  • http://bodyisatemple.com coloradomt1

    Emily, I’m GLAD to hear you’re speaking up for yourself now. I understand when you’re in a massage situation it can be intimidating… you’re a little vulnerable lying there and feeling like the person working on you knows what they’re doing. Yes, you should speak up if you’re not happy. However, this was the massage therapist’s fault too. I’m a massage therapist in Colorado, and can tell you one of the most important parts of any massage is the communication BEFORE the massage. He really should’ve asked you what you were there for and what you hoped to get from the massage. Abdominal work can be very effective, but that’s not what you were looking for, and he should’ve taken the time to clarify your wants. And the chatty therapist telling you all about her life – I’m sorry, but that’s just inexcusable! Sounds like she needs to book some time on the therapist’s couch to deal with her stuff, and not dump on client’s who are paying her to be a professional. I hope your next experience is better! Thanks for not giving up on massage altogether… it’s just a matter of finding the right therapist.
    -Rachel

  • http://www.facebook.com/seriousjoy Joshua

    I really appreciated reading this blog post, as so many people have similar experiences and ask themselves similar questions. All stops along the journey of becoming better and better at nurturing ourselves.

    Receiving massage is a skill, just as giving massage is a skill. The more you do it, the better you get over time. Part of that skill set is learning how to communicate your needs and desires to your massage therapist.

    Power dynamics are present in any professional/client relationship, which can play into difficulty speaking up for yourself: “What if I offend this person? What will happen?” It can be helpful to see the same massage therapist regularly in order to build up the trust and rapport that can facilitate letting go of those concerns. If your spa can’t accommodate that, seek out a private practitioner.

    The MT that talked to you about her personal life had poor boundaries and is an example of unprofessional behavior. The MT that massaged your stomach however was just doing his job. Stomach massage is not only “perfectly normal”, but there are entire bodywork modalities focused on that area—Mayan Abdominal Massage and Chi Nei Tsang to name two.

    Five to eight minutes on the abdominal area is not unusual and the work has many benefits, even if you are personally more aware of that spot below your shoulder blade. Not to say that you have to have stomach massage—clearly you don’t, and now you’ve learned to ask your therapist not to work there—but that time was not “wasted”… if only because you learned something from it.

    Another way to get as much benefit as possible from a situation like that, if you choose not to ask your therapist to move on to a different area, is let the brain chatter go and simply focus on feeling the sensations in your body while the work is performed. Let go of worrying whether stomach massage is “normal” or if working somewhere else would be a better use of your time and just let yourself experience how what is actually happening actually feels.

    I hope any of this is helpful for you and your readers.

    PS: on a matter of writing style… in the US, most practitioners prefer “massage therapist” to “masseuse” (which can have unsavory connotations, and is also gender specific).

  • http://www.northwesterncollege.edu/ James Shaw

    It is normally seen that some of the massage session could be uncomfortable, but the results are outstanding.