The iPad 7 Is Coming!

Totally true rumors about Apple’s next, next, next, next, next-generation tablet

Psst! Have you heard? About the new iPad? No, not iPad 3. Those rumors are so old, they might as well be fact. iPad 4? Hell-ooooo? So last week! I’m talking about iPad 7.

My sources, who I trust implicitly, tell me it’s the absolute sweetest. For starters, y’know how everyone’s been wondering if Apple’s gonna shrink down the iPad to compete with the dinky little Kindle fire? Pft. Myopic much? I’ve got a guy in a warehouse that stocks these things, and he just told me Apple just placed a huge order for expandable touch screens. You heard me. It’s totally experimental technology. The iPad 7 screen starts out at a eight inches, but if you wanna read, say, Time magazine at scale, just drag a corner and it expands to 10 inches. I would not lie to you about this. This could be the only product you’ll ever need.

And the display? What good is a Retina display if the retina viewing it is defective. Seriously. The new Retina+ technology takes corrective action based on the eyesight of the person or people viewing it. (Though you might want to hold out: We hear iPad 8 will actually perform Lasik surgery.)

Another amazing fact about the screen? It’s a 3D printer—everything you look at on iPad 7 will be instantly fabricated (or rendered holographically when in resource-saver mode): books, magazines, riding mowers, throw pillows from West goddamn Elm. I can’t even begin to describe what effect this will have on world hunger and poverty (to say nothing of PORN).

Sure, you’ll still be able to read e-books on iPad 7, but why read an e-book when iPad 7 will write one for you. “Sirius,” iPad 7’s digital assistant, has been enhanced with full ghost-writing and -editing capabilities. Have Sirius take down a memo or a chapter; just tell her what’s on your mind and she’ll turn your rambling thoughts into publishable prose, from fact checking to line editing to source vetting to serving as your agent in contract negotiations.

iPad 7 will also be able to play drums in your garage band. No, I’m not talking about the recording program Garage Band. iPad 7 will play drums. And it’ll keep great time—better than that scrub you’ve got now.

The protective cover? It’s made of pure, lightweight, claw-grade Adamantium. Completely bullet proof. The U.S. Army’s thinking of making Humvee undercarriage armor out of ’em.

Something else we’re hearing whispered down Silicon Valley is that the screen doubles as a high-collectivity solar panel that not only charges the iPad, but can also power a small electric car on a 40-mile trip.

iPad 7 will be your friend (with subscription to iFriend).

Previous versions of iPad have come in wifi or wifi and 3G versions, but I’m told iPad 7 skips evolving 4G LTE technology and jumps right to 6G. And it’ll work because the octo-core Intel Pilgrim processor is unstuck in time. Having connectivity issues? Just skip to a point in the future where 6G exists.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Employing technology Steve Jobs procured from a secret research facility in Roswell shortly before he passed away, the iPad 7 is a freaking hoverboard powered by the high-frequency cosmic rays that have been propelling extra-terrestrial craft for millennia. I hear the tech is totally responsible for Jobs’s health issues.

The word is that it’ll start at $399. Should be out right after Christmas. I’m getting two. This is totally happening.

(Editor’s Note: None of this is happening. See why some people should not be given reliable, constant access to the Internet?)