I love Twitter. If we could somehow limit people to 140 characters in real life, just think of how much better life would be. For one thing, 24-hour cable news would be non-existent. Twitter provides a perfect format for comedy writers. Most comics’ feeds read like a Steven Wright standup routine with quick, non-sequitur thoughts that are laugh-out-loud funny.
I make a daily search though the headlines, spam, quotes and #FollowFridays of my Twitter timeline for comedy droppings from @SarahKSilverman (recent tweet: “’It’s how my mom does it’ is the #1 cause of skinny rounded eyebrows and multi-colored lowlights”), @JimGaffigan (“Just discovered our 2-day-old baby is an immigrant. He doesn’t know any English AT ALL! I hope he’s not Al Qaeda”) and @ConanOBrien (“John Edwards looks better in his mug shot than I do in my head shot”).
My love for comedy tweets sent me on a search for the funniest tweet-makers in the Philadelphia area. Here are my top five.
The great injustice is that @SquirrelJustice only has 1,374 followers. She should have 10 times that amount. The name on her Twitter account only says Nikki, and she is funny as she is mysterious. Nikki would not tell me much about herself except that she moved to South Jersey from North Carolina and has lived in the area for six years. She is not a comedy writer, but she should be. She call Twitter “an amazing outlet for my idiotic stream of consciousness.”
Here are some recent tweets:
Most people don’t know you’re allowed AND encouraged to use those portable defibrillators on unruly kids at Target.
I should dump a celebratory cooler of Gatorade on this 90 year old lady who just took 9 minutes to sign her name on the credit card display.
I probably could have had a shot at winning the Pillsbury Bake-Off had I known it was actually a cooking competition.
The funniest of Nikki’s tweets aren’t acceptable even for The Philly Post. So be warned or be encouraged, depending on your sensibilities.
Her profile says it all: “You can’t resist her, she’s in your bones. She is your marrow and your ride home.” @AmyJane is Amy Gruber, wife to John Gruber, a technology blogger (daringfireball.net) who is @Gruber and one of the most influential people on Twitter in Philadelphia with over 140,000 followers. But Amy Gruber is funnier and holds her own with almost 40,000 followers. The conversations with her children that she tweets are priceless. Here are some recent tweets:
“Do you think Clint Eastwood whines like this when he gets a shower?” “He never takes showers.” Kid’s right.
Texting a woman in labor is criminal but I’ll be damned if I can stop doing it.
I thought I was having a bad day but at least I didn’t have to hold a “Yes, that’s my weiner” press conference.
I have long thought that Steve Morrison of WMMR’s Preston and Steve show is the funniest guy on the radio in Philadelphia. And 5,571 followers of @Mor100 know that he is also the funniest Philadelphia guy on Twitter. Some recent tweets:
When my pretend son was born, I remember thinking how perfect he was, even more so than real babies because I gave him a six pack and a tan!
If there’s a rock and roll heaven, there must be a rock and roll hell and I bet that guy who played guitar for Wham is on the short list.
Why is it okay to spray pesticide in your own garden, but not in the Olive Garden? Okay, get aphids…see if I care.
His Profile says Paul Triggiani is a “long-haul truck driver and friend to the animals.” He is also very funny on Twitter. He has just 227 followers on Facebook, but many seem to be local comics who appreciate his humor. Here are some recent tweets:
At Citizens Bank Park. I was just handed a trophy for being the first person EVER to not Tweet or Facebook a picture of their view.
Watching WWE Live waiting for SVU to come on. Kristen said, “If this goes over, they might not put SVU on!” as though it were real sports.
I’m not the only straight guy watching the Tony awards alone with his dog tonight, right?
She is a local standup and according to her Twitter profile “the personification of a wink.” You can look it up yourself in the Urban Dictionary. I’ve never seen her standup act, but @MaryRadzinki tweets have made me and her 86 followers laugh. Recent tweets:
Drag queens: not only beautiful and impeccably maintained, but a subtle reminder to step up my game..
Saw a car with bumper stickers: “#1 Dad” & “#1 Flyers Fan”. Think it’s safe to assume that this vehicle has had at least 2 separate owners.
I’ll take sharp words from others over halitosis any day of the week. Including today.
I know that there scores of funny people in Philadelphia on Twitter who I have missed, and I would love to know about them. Please leave their Twitter name in the comments here or send me a tweet: @LarryMendte.
And I will update this list periodically because there are few things better to share than a funny tweet.