Is Your Husband Gay?

Here’s a cheery thought for the holidays: American women would rather have a cheating, alcoholic, depressed, heterosexual husband than a gay one. Discuss.

This gem popped up in a piece in the New York Times’ “Sunday Review” about the underreporting of gay men in the U.S. The writer, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, is a newly-minted Harvard Ph.D. in economics.

When you think about it, what red-blooded heterosexual gal wouldn’t prefer a drunk, morose, skirt-chasing spouse to a homosexual male, no matter how polite or fashionably accessorized?

Stephens-Davidowitz’ evidence, much of it based on Google searches, is hardly scientific. He reports that of all searches by married women that begin with “Is my husband…,” the most common word to follow is “gay.” It’s 10 times more common than number two, “cheating,” eight times more common than “an alcoholic,” and 10 times more than “depressed,” he writes. 

These sexuality searches force gay husbands into the closet, he suggests, which leads to the low balling of national estimates. (Not gonna go there. You’re welcome.)

The states with the highest percentage of women Googling the spousal sexuality question are also, in the author’s words, the least tolerant: South Carolina and Louisiana. Moreover, in 21 of the 25 states where the sexuality question is most frequently asked, support for gay marriage is below that of the national average, according to Stephens-Davidowitz.

Given Pennsylvania’s primordial attitude toward same-sex marriage, its exclusion from the Top 2 is an outrage. Maybe heterosexual wives in the Keystone State are more tolerant of their gay husbands. Or maybe gay husbands are so good at impersonating heterosexuals that their wives buy it.

Frankly, I don’t understand why more straight women don’t marry gay men. On purpose, that is. They’d be crazy not  to. Gay men are more empathic and supportive than straight men. They’re better listeners. I’m not making this up – there’s actual scholarship about this. Also, gay men like to shop and cruise dudes. What’s not to like?

Everybody knows that gay men make the best girlfriends, and that every straight woman should have one. So it’s not exactly a stretch to say that gay men make great husbands, too. In fact, some argue that the perfect marriage is one between a hetero female and a homo male.

Enter Will & Grace.

NBC’s monster hit (1998-2006) starred Eric McCormack and Debra Messing as best friends, roomies and soul mates. Except for the fact that she was straight and he wasn’t, they were the perfect couple.

In fact, Will and Grace were the perfect couple. As a team, they were unbeatable at word games.

Individually, no one came close to understanding them as well as they did each other. At one point, they decided to have a child together (but didn’t.) Even when Grace got married, her husband needed Will’s help to read her. The union didn’t last long.

As for the notion that real marriages must include sex, well, have you talked to many married couples lately? Also, what if a spouse has a physical handicap that makes sex impossible? Does that mean it’s not a marriage? Clearly, sex is no more the defining characteristic of a union than is procreation.

So wise up, heterosexual women of America. You could do a lot worse than marry a gay man, and probably have. At the very least, take a homo to lunch. If you’re lucky, he could turn out to be your best girlfriend.