SMIZE QUEEN: Tyra Makes a Grown Man Cry

Every week, Alexander Kacala recaps the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model.

I’m beginning to think America’s Next Top Model has become less about a modeling competition and more a docudrama about the emotionally dysfunctional lives of young, good-looking people. This past week’s episode justified my hypothesis with a boy who just couldn’t stop crying, and an explosive fight between housemates. 

THE BOY WHO CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED: First, Marvin wept when Tyra sent Kanani and Jeremy packing, and later the tears started rolling again over the mere thought of other friends being sent home. Somebody get this poor boy a Kleenex, because his guy-liner is running all over the place.

MINI CHALLENGE: The first challenge found the models on one of L.A.’s most popular shopping corridors, Melrose Avenue. Stripped down to their skivvies, the contestants had to answer fashion trivia to score money that they would later use to buy a look from a handful of participating boutiques. Cory lost all gay points when he failed to identify a photo of Donatella Versace. When the trivia portion was over, the models ran around in their undies trying to find an outfit. Once finished, they showed off their looks to Kelly Cutrone and a guest judge who also happens to be Kim Kardashian’s stylist. Phil got read to filth, Jourdan was called a stripper, and Cory’s masculinity was yet again questioned (we get it!). Don ended up with this win, possibly due to those mesmerizing eyes.

MAIN CHALLENGE: The second challenge started off in a gallery adorned with, what else, photographs of Tyra. In an art show that will be touring the world, Tyra poses (sometimes in controversial white face) as fellow supermodels like Kate Moss, Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell. So with art as the theme, the models had to portray a blank canvas and have paint splashed all over them. Jiana, Marvin and Phil all struggled to keep it cute, while Jourdan, Cory and Nina aced it. Renee got some one-on-one time with Tyra, whose advice on posing may have been the key that unlocked this girl’s future potential on the show.

DRAMA BREAK: Chris H. repeatedly says he wants to mend his sordid relationships in the Top Model house, but his explosive actions speak much louder than his words. First, he lashes out at Marvin. Later, he jumps into the girls’ shower. If there is one thing you don’t come between, it’s four paint-covered, tired girls and their shower time.

TOPS: Jourdan got top photo for the third time this season, with Renee and Nina following close-ish behind. Looks like the girls are reigning queen supreme over the boys.

BOTTOMS: Showmancers Jiana and Phil landed in the bottom, maybe because they were too distracted by their flirty relationship. In the end, though, Jiana got the axe, sending her immediately into Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Sobbing-Face mode. Cue: Tyra the comforter.

CORY WATCH: With all the craziness happening around him, Cory is remaining balanced and consistently hilarious. (His “Oh my Lawd Jesus Gawd” line will go down in the Reality Show Hall of Fame.) In this week’s competition, his lack of fashion knowledge hurt him early, but he showed strength and power in his photo shoot.

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