Proust’d: Ian Morrison (aka Brittany Lynn)

“I should have been born a lesbian comic who only performs at vegan potluck dinners.”

Next Wednesday, Philly’s hardest working drag queen, the doña of Drag Mafia, the “vaginally challenged” Brittany Lynn will celebrate her big 3-9. The momentous occasion will be marked by a two-week string of events that starts tonight and eventually culminates with a huge bash at ProBar in Atlantic City on March 17 (see the full schedule below). But before she takes off on a birthday romp of a lifetime, I asked her to answer the age-old Proust Questionnaire. Keep reading for a fascinating look inside the overly coiffed head of the leggy queen. She fills us in on her pricy beauty secrets, tells us why the ’80s was the best generation EVER and, well, you’ll just have to see for yourself the scandalous things she says she’d do to James Franco. Happy birthday, Miss Lynn!

What is your idea of perfect happiness? A day out of makeup with my two furry children, Rylin and Kylie, with nothing to do but be present in the moment. What is the trait you most dislike in yourself? I’m very hard on myself to be the most professional person I can be in any situation, and I expect everyone else to be the same way. But everyone has different ideas about what “professionalism” is, and I’m trying to come to terms with that. What is the trait you most dislike in others? LATENESS What is your greatest extravagance? I’m not a material-things kinda gal. In my 20s it was all clothing labels and fancy baubles, now I’m living a very minimalist lifestyle. The most coins I spend are on skin-care products from Whole Foods — which I guess costs the same as some Dolce. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Patience, I guess, because I’ve never had any. What do you consider the most underrated vice? Flossing. Look into it people Which person, living or dead, do you most admire? My grandmother. She is in her 90s and has macular degeneration, but she’s the most active person I know and doesn’t miss a beat. Any lady that is half-blind and can tell me to my face — without any fear — that I have gained a few pounds should be everyone’s hero. Which words or phrases do you overuse? “Mary” and the South Philly “you know what I’m saying” are in almost every conversation I have. What is the quality you most like in a man? Beauty fades, but a great sense of humor is timeless. If you can make me laugh you are golden with me. Not that being completely GORG hurts. What do you dislike about your appearance? I’m like Oprah: My weight fluctuates on a weekly basis depending on how stressful my life is at the moment, but, it is something I can control so it is all on me to do what I gotta do. What do you love about your appearance? I don’t think most gays actually love anything about their appearance, and the ones that do and preach about it on Facebook are usually jitbags. But if I had to pick something I love, I would say I love being tall. It sucks buying clothes, but it has tons of advantages. I see pics of myself with people and it used to freak me out how much bigger I am than everyone else, but now I think it’s cool. Who wants to be normal? What or who is the greatest love of your life? My greatest loves equally are animals and comedy. I should have been born a lesbian comic who only performs at vegan potluck dinners. Other than that I’m going with James Franco. I would suck the socks off that man. When and where were you happiest? NOTHING BEATS THE ’80s. Period! The whole decade was friggin’ perfect. Eighties boys were the cutest boys to have ever walked on the planet. Look it up; I’m sure it’s on Wikipedia. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? To take a moment to wait and think before I act and speak. But I was born with a rare condition that causes my mouth to say whatever my brain tells it to as the thought forms. Can I get a telethon or something? I would like James Franco to host. Which talent would you most like to have? I would give my last egg to be able do a cartwheel. What do you consider to be your greatest achievement? The work I just completed marching with the Mummers on New Year’s Day. We may not have been the first queens to march in the parade, but I was the first queen to be asked by the City and the Mummers Association to form a “drag brigade” to represent the LGBT community and perform at the main event with the Fancy Brigades. Philly Weekly named me one of the “Faces of Philly” along with the Mayor’s wife, so I gotta be doing something right after all these years. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? Die? Bitch it’s gonna take a meteor landing or some shit before I go anywhere. But if something goes down, I would just like to come back and be myself again; fix some of the mistakes I made on this journey, and learn from the mistakes I made this time around. What is your most treasured possession? Besides my two furry kids, I would say my brain. Say what you want about me, but I’m quick and I’m funny-and you can’t take that away. What do you value most in your friends? That they are still my friends. What makes the perfect drag queen? There is no perfect queen. We all do our own thing. We just want to entertain. If you are doing drag and it’s not for the purpose of entertainment, then you are in the wrong business. How would you like to die? If I said, “Choking on James Franco’s cock,” that would be just a typical, gay answer. Not that I wouldn’t LOVE THAT TO HAPPEN, but I would love to die in my sleep, with my arms wrapped around whomever I am sharing my life with at that moment. What is your motto? I would like to say, “Be the best person you can be,” blah blah blah. But life hits you with so much; it always seems like there’s something you have to do, something that goes wrong, lots of drama/anger/ sadness. It really never ends. So just take a minute and be present in the moment. Live your life the way you want to live it, or the moment will pass and you will be like, “What the fuck … ”

Where to hop on Brittany Lynn’s birthday train:

  • Thu., March 7, 11:15 p.m., Bob and Barbara’s, 1509 South St.
  • Fri., March 8, 11:30 p.m., ICandy, 254 S. 12th St.
  • Tue., March 13, 11 p.m., Voyeur, 1221 Saint James St.
  • Thu., March 14, 11:30 p.m.,The Stonewall Club, 28 N. 10th St., Allentown
  • Sun., March 17, 11 p.m., ProBar AC, 1133 Boardwalk, Atlantic City, N.J.

Other local Proust questionees:

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  • James

    Best queen in Philly!