Hunty Games: What Really Happened Between Alyssa and Coco

Plus: Poor Miss Monica heads for the Hillz.

Last night, I decided to venture out into the world of lady boys and clown chasers to watch Drag Race amongst a who’s who of Philgaydelphia. The place to watch is Woody’s, where every TV is tuned in with sound on and up. From drag queens (Satine Harlow and Navaya Shay) to reality show alum (Jay McCarrol and Mimi Imfurst), Woody’s was full of people ready to laugh, mock and cast some shade at the bar. From the start of the episode, we could tell the main plot line would surround the beef between Alyssa and Coco (pictured, top). But where’s the beef? And does anybody care?

Mini-Challenge Recap: The mini challenge was a Junior Drag Superstar Pageant where teams of two had to transform their lady-boy mannequins into reigning queen supremes. While Detox did an amazing Rachel Zoe impression, the deserving winners of the mini challenge were Lyneshia and Alaska for their Lil’ Poundcake. Alaska really showed off her humor. She’s hilarious.

Challenge Recap: The main challenge was that two teams, led by Alaska and Lyneshia, would have to create a television program for children. A Draggle Rock, if you will.

TEAM ALASKA: Detox, Roxxxy, Vivienne, Monica, and Alyssa

From the get go, it seemed this team would have it in the bag. Alaska, starting with her clique “ROLASKATOX,” picked a great group. Further down the line, however, Vivienne and Monica’s girl fish realness didn’t resonate on camera. The one thing I have learned is that it is much easier to TONE DOWN than to TONE UP, and these girls were failing to get it up. Santino put it well when she said “there are some hungry bitches up in there and you’re [Monica] gonna get eaten.”

Now I am all for my gender-bending and androgyny, so while Ru and Michelle were disappointed, I loved that Alaska thought outside the box and did some lady-boy drag. I think she stayed true to the challenge. But this move almost got her in the bottom two, cause, like Ru said, “This ain’t RuPaul’s Best Friend Out of Drag Race.” Love that.

TEAM LYNESHIA: Honey, Jinkx, Coco, Ivy and Jade

This team had some problems, starting with an angry Coco who didn’t like her part. While Coco has some great one-liners, I am not a fan. I feel like out-of-drag she could be fishing dead hookers out of dumpsters during the beginning sequence of Pretty Woman. Jinkx continues to show why she’s there despite the odds cast against her. That queen is a performer and shines during these challenges.

It’s obvious that the producers of Drag Race purposefully included Coco and Alyssa together in this season to harvest drama. But do viewers care? I don’t think so. I honestly believe that the average reality viewer doesn’t give two shits about hearsay drama. We watch reality television to be witnesses, to experience the shit hitting the ceiling fan firsthand. Hearing two queens go back and forth about something that not only happened off camera in the ”real world,” but years ago, is trivial.

Let me break it down for you: Basically, Alyssa won Miss Gay America, one of the biggest and best drag pageants in America, and for some reason or another, her crown was taken away. She was … Vanessa Williams’d. Why exactly, we still don’t know. Her alternate and “friend” Coco Montrese took her spot. So there it is. In 50 words or less. But, Drag Race has made this into a saga longer than Bareback Mountain and with more sheep.

Runway yes’s: The runway look was “Think Pink.” I hate pink, but the girls turned it out. I loved so many of the outfits. Alaska looked amazing, channeling local queens Luna Lavey or Perry. Vivienne looked gorge. Detox showed off her sickening body for days.

Runway oh-honey-no’s: Jade Jolie looked washed out. Jinkx Monsoon had too much going on and a tough tuck. AND COCO? WTF?! Scary. I recently watched a My Strange Addiction about that outfit and it did not end well. Adult diapers for days.

Lip-sync-off: While I think Team Alaska won, the challenge was individual. Ru crowned Detox the winner even though I think it should have gone to Roxxxy. Bottom was between Alaska for her boy drag, and then Coco, Monica and Vivienne for their boring drag. It ended up being Monica and Coco, whose futile attempts at pulling a pity vote failed. “There’s been a lot on my mind,” Coco told everyone on the runway, “Alyssa’s my friend. We didn’t talk for two years, and coming here and seeing her here completely threw me off. I don’t feel like I’m showing you who I really am. I’m better than that.” The only thing worse than sitting through this horrid performance was sitting through one of Drew Barrymore’s monologue’s during He’s Just Not That Into You. We get it Drew. Technology sucks for your dating life. Move on. However, while bitch can’t act she can lip sync. And Coco sent poor Monica Beverly Hillz (pictured, right) packing for, well, you guessed it … the hills.

Best sound byte: RuPaul’s exclamation that “This ain’t RuPaul’s Best Friend Out of Drag Race.

My pick for Top 3 (which can change from week to week): I am gonna say that bigger is better, and while I love Vivienne and think she will go far, I don’t think she has what it takes to make it the top. My top 3 now are Detox, Lyneshia and Roxxxy. Some of the queens at the bar last night had favorites, too. Icon Ebony Fierce loves Honey Mahogany, while Navaya Shay is saying Detox all the way. And while she isn’t in my top 3, I am still leaning toward Alaska for the win.

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