Kenny Gets Beastly, Angelo Gets Bestial

Fidel Gastro is at it again with his recap of last night’s Top Chef, this one just oozes sexual innuendo.

Not that it matters—it is a cooking competition, after all—but I’m pretty sure that Tamesha and Angelo are doing it.  In this episode, a few teaser edits allude to the fact that Ed and Tiffany are also doing it. Gross, especially since Angelo admits to having had crabs after the Quickfire is announced (make a delicious crab dish), and Ed definitely seems like the type of guy who would have an ‘O’ face.  And there’s the throw-up in my mouth.  I was actually surprised that Alex didn’t chime in with another one of his creepy quips, but it’s a long season and he seems to be doing a fair job of staying in the middle of the peloton.  No matter, because guest judge Patrick O’Connell exudes more creepiness than the quiet dude in high school who now moonlights as a John Waters impersonator.

The cheftestants get to work on the crab buckets. Timothy, winning smile and all, really wants to showcase the “murralan” crab flavor, so he sticks with a simple preparation of beer steamed crabs.  I feel like this dude’s confidence trips him up.  Well, that and the fact that his owning a steakhouse limits his culinary vision.  I actually thought the dish looked good, but it was self-styled beast Kenny (again) with a crab trio, Angelo (again) with a lemongrass & ginger-infused blue crab broth, and ‘O’ face Ed with jumbo lump crab, Thai basil, mango & cucumber salad as the favorites.  The also-rans offered up tasting menu-sized dishes that didn’t look great, and the bottom feeders were Kevin (again) with a confused blue crab chowder, Cokey B—who questioned Padma’s “wow”—with a too-pungent crab salad & juniper gelee, and Andrea with an overly potatoed warm crab salad.

In lieu of a pile of cash, Ed gets immunity for the elimination challenge, which is another outdoor affair.  This time, instead of briskly walking and going over budget at Whole Foods, the cheftestants are tasked with a family style dinner at Ayrshire Farms, a certified humane and organic farm outside of D.C.  They are in the dark about what they will have to cook, but the meal will be served family style, so the entire group is on a single team.  This leads to some posturing by Angelo and smoove Kenny, who actually has a chest to puff out.  Meanwhile, Stephen states the obvious by saying there are “too many cooks in the kitchen,” and there’s a period of grumpiness as the rest of the group watches the pissing contest.  Before bedtime, the group decides that samesies is the best way to go, and so they partner up with whoever they were with last week, leaving Ed to barely try and cover up the fact that he hates Alex and that he’d rather cook with his special lady friend Tiffany, who is also none too happy about getting stuck with Timothy, even if he has a winning smile.

The next day, they’re at the farm fighting over who’s going to make what.  Ayrshire had a great spread of proteins, starches, and questionably-in-season vegetables, and the Toyota Mobile Pantry helped (these sponsorship tie-ins are so shitty, no?), but there was seemingly not enough to go around. Cokey B wasn’t happy about this (even though she declared prison rules back in Episode 3), nor was Kelly, who had a spat with Timothy over beets and turnips.  I would have paid money upfront to hear either one of them say, “yo, bring that beet back!”  Alas, it’s a boring bunch, even with the jungle fever behind the scenes.  Angelo—in true Angelo fashion—took his duck and smacked it up, flipped it, and rubbed it down.  What I’m trying to say here is that—his words, not mine—he made love to a duck. Kenny and Alex both had a brief departure from their reality characters, Kenny by making a less-than-smoove move and knocking over Kevin’s cauliflower, and Alex by expressing his love for God’s great outdoors instead of whores and cocaine.  Angelo takes a brief pause from humping his duck to tell Kevin to use the cauliflower anyway, but he opts for a last minute broccoli switcheroo.  A few more audibles are called as Andrea quarters her pork and Timothy bags the mousseline in favor of a much shittier preparation.

Chow time. Stephen does not pay enough attention to his lettuces and serves a terrible-looking salad, while Cokey B fails to uniformly chop her minestrone vegetables.  This prompts a comment from Mr. O’Connell about “big carrots being hard to get in the mouth.”  Sure Pat, and Eric Ripert looks straight in that scarf (and has never killed a man).  Speak of the devil, Eric can’t stop gushing over Andrea’s garlic & five spice rubbed grilled pork loin with shallot apple balsamic jus.  “Eetwas cookt perfectlee.” After all Angelo’s talk about inseminating his duck, him and part-time lover Tamesha fail to impress, and Tiffany is shamed by undercooking her collard greens.

The stew room footage begins with Padma popping in to select some familiar faces.  Kenny continues to dominate while Kevin rides his coattails, Andrea’s meat consultation proves to be fruitful, and Kelly reverses the dessert curse with the last minute addition of a strawberry rhubarb crisp with basil scented ice cream.  Guest judge Patrick O’Connell selects the winning dish, one that was “striking in its clarity and beautifully balanced,” Kenny’s sweet and sour cock carrot eggplant.  This guy’s unstoppable.  They might have to handicap him somehow, maybe with an eyepatch.

On the bottom, another cast of the usual suspects, Stephen, Timothy, and Cokey B.  Colicchio unleashes the fury, using the parental tactic of posing a question to Cokey B, “When we cook, why do we cut things uniformly?”  It’s a lot worse when you watch it.  Meth mouth Stephen was scolded for putting salad in a bowl and then giving the components cement shoes, but he’s not the one sleeping with the fishes.  With a consistent lack of execution and a pile of turnips and potatoes whose “sizzoneen was blan,” Timothy and his winning smile were told to step off (man, I really miss the White Rapper Show).  But this isn’t the end for him.  He’s looking forward to being on the phone and growing old with the rest of this cast, even if Tiffany doesn’t like him very much.