But you don’t HAVE to take off all your clothes. Here are 10 (or more) ways to ensure a figuratively cool weekend …

• If, like me, you use window air-conditioners and, like me, you haven’t installed them yet, take advantage of your summer hours and do so today, because Philadelphia in the high 90s can be a truly miserable experience.

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The Berlin-based Artemis Quartet will bring some serious string work to the Kimmel Center tonight before heading to New York on their blink-and-you’ll-miss-it U.S. tour. Watch them getting their Stravinsky and Mozart on at 8 p.m. $26.50.

Jason Collett, a Toronto indie guy who performed with the likes of all 3 billion members of Broken Social Scene, will be upstairs at World Café Live doing his solo ditties. So, check it out, eh? 8 p.m.; $15.

The Phillies kick-start their first game in the Astro series with a special tribute commemorating the 61st anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s debut in the big leagues. If that’s not enough to reel you in, keep in mind it’s also Dollar Dog Night. Tickets for the 7:05 p.m. game are still up for grabs.

Newcomer Alison Sudol — known in the biz as A Fine Frenzy — brings her moody, atmospheric sounds and ravishing, though slightly frail, 22-year-old piano-playing self to World Cafe Live tonight at 7:30 p.m. The show is very nearly sold out, so get in while you still can. $15.

Listen to A Fine Frenzy’s Almost Lover.

Because you just found out that PhillyLatinLover35 on MySpace is actually a 14-year-old from Delaware with really bad acne and have, therefore, canceled your tawdry Valentine’s Day plans, I give you …

Not sure which is potentially more painful: Peter Nero’s Pops doing love songs at the Kimmel or the Valentine’s Day Sucks Singer-Songwriter Competition at Society Hill Playhouse. Fortunately, I don’t have to find out, because I’ll be performing in the Martha Graham Cracker Cabaret, starring Pig Iron Theatre Company’s Dito van Reigersberg, at L’Etage around 10 p.m. Of course, if a 6′8″ drag queen (not me, don’t worry) belting it out like Chaka Khan isn’t your thing — and believe me, if it isn’t, I completely understand — you might check out the fantastic 15-piece klezmer-infused West Philadelphia Orchestra at the Khyber, or South Philly’s own sultry songstress, Carol Riddick, at Warmdaddy’s. If your needs are more, um, immediate, there will probably be plenty of unattached grinders at PaperStreet’s dance party at the Walnut Room. Enjoy.

Your early guide to last-minute planning …

DANCE
Tony Award-winning choreographer Bill T. Jones leads the Arnie Zane Dance Company in a one-night-only performance at Penn of Chapel/Chapter!, a fascinating multimedia portrait of our justice system through dance and song. The New York Times called it a “riveting experience.”

CELEB STALKING
I would go see supersexy Juliette Lewis’s band Juliette & the Licks in a hot second, and the Bacon Brothers have a couple of good tunes, but Jeff Daniels? Seems like a bit of a stretch. Still, there have to be more than a few Dumb & Dumber fans out there who will sit through his acoustic blues tonight at World Cafe.

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Because you just don’t want to go home after work tonight …

• Bawdy puppet musical Avenue Q opens tonight at the Forrest. Excellent seats (10 rows from stage) are available.

• Indulge your inner musician self at MilkBoy’s open mic in Ardmore. Alternatively, you could just sit there, sip your latte, and listen to others indulge.

• 27-year-old Jonathan Biss, one of the country’s most accomplished concert pianists, joins the Philadelphia Chamber Music Society’s Mendelssohn Quartet for a bit of Haydn and Bartok at the Kimmel.

Yesterday, when I asked a friend what he was doing this weekend, he responded, “There’s really not much going on.” Silly, silly fool … Enjoy.

Girls that have, indeed, gone wild … With sports teams like ours, it’s imperative to have at least one we can root for right now, a team in whom we can rest all our hopes for victory and vindication. To this end, I give you The Philly Roller Girls, wheeled women of every shape and size, with lots of tattoos and attitude, who seek to annihilate everything in their path. On Saturday in Feasterville, our Philthy Britches take on the lovely gals from Baltimore (an obvious joke … have you ever seen Baltimore girls?). If you’ve never been to one of these modernized roller derby matches, they’re a hoot. Totally kid-appropriate if you have a swearing household and don’t have a problem with them seeing a few bruised thighs and trunk-flashes.

Not that kind of g-string … Me, I’m a pianist, so I kind of hate guitar players, simply because they’re always louder and more lusted after than keyboard players. Of course, Eddie Van Halen solved this problem by playing both instruments, but I digress. This weekend, fans of the six-string have Grammy-winner and spaced-out jazz guitarist Bill Frisell (playing with Jamaaladeen Tacuma, a Philly bass force to be reckoned with) at Rutgers, those sickeningly talented (well, most of them) students of the Paul Green School of Rock at the Troc, and, for those of you who like your guitar as loud and distorted as possible, Marilyn Manson eviscerates the Factory. But don’t worry, you’re safe — that one’s diabolically sold out.

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