Yes, next weekend is a three-dayer, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t get out and make the most of this weekend. Here are seven ways to do it …

Hit A.C. … Sip a beachy cocktail by the pool at the Borgata’s brand new and ultraluxe Water Club. Be mesmerized at the new Kalin & Ginger magic show at Trump Marina (read my interview with illusionist Mark Kalin here). See the least attractive Beatle at the Taj. There’s also the cover-band festival Fake Fest at the Marina and the excessively altered Joan Rivers at Harrah’s.

Avoid blockbusters … If you’re sickened by the current box office offerings (The Love Guru, that Shyamalan disaster), the Philadelphia Independent Film Festival, all weekend in Northern Liberties, might provide the cure.

Enjoy opera without the stupid glasses … On Sunday, the Bryn Mawr Film Institute shows Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde, filmed at Milan’s Teatro alla Scala; it’s the last in BMFI’s opera series for a while, so get your arias in while you still can.

Watch veins pop … The whole 4th of July Welcome America festival kicks off on Saturday with, what else, a strongman competition on the Parkway. Stick around for the Rocky screening outside of the Art Museum at 9 p.m.

Rock out … The Philly-founded Paul Green School of Rock celebrates ten years teaching the future of America how to channel their inner thrashers with its annual festival at Penn’s Landing and the Electric Factory. The kids get to jam with the Butthole Surfers, Devo and the Dropkick Murphys.

Pretend you understand art … Yes, it’s true that there’s usually no good reason to go to Manayunk, but the Philly Mag-sponsored Manayunk Arts Festival might be a good time to reconsider. Saturday 11 a.m. to 8 p.m., Sunday 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Get played … No matter what you might think, Oprah’s production of The Color Purple at the Academy is good. Go see it. And Souvenir, starring Media-native and Tony nominee Ann Crumb as early 20th-century eccentric and horrible opera singer Florence Foster Jenkins, closes at the Wilma on Sunday.

If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, consult this handy guide to the shows soon to go on sale …

Outside of the ol’ MILF porn (and, of course, at Rouge), there aren’t too many women in their 50s walking around using the phrase “sticky and sweet” to describe themselves, but the Sticky & Sweet Tour is such a better name than the Music Tour, the Who’s That Girl Tour, and The Drowned World Tour (missed that one, did ya?). Madonna sashays her delicious self into the Wachovia Center on November 19th and Boardwalk Hall on November 22nd. $50-$350. On sale Monday, 10 a.m.

Also aging and most probably sticky, but most definitely not sweet, is punk grandfather Iggy Pop, who, along with his Stooges, joins The Killers, Philly’s weird and wonderful Man Man, and a host of other acts at the Susquehanna Bank Center on August 2nd for the all-day Download Festival. $35-$95. On sale Saturday, 10 a.m.

$25 a laugh … Three hundred and twenty-five bucks to see Billy Crystal at the Borgata? Sheesh. I always knew I was in the wrong line of work, but this is ridiculous. Should your pockets not run quite so deep but you still need a few laughs, master impersonator Frank Caliendo — also at the Borgata — comes in at a much more reasonable $39.50. Both gentlemen perform Friday and Saturday night, as does Jimmy Shubert (King of Queens, Comedy Central Presents …), whose Helium shows will set you back a mere $30 for a reserved seat ($25 unreserved).

Both gay but in totally different ways … And now from the department of Back from the Dead, I give you the Moody Blues, who are unique in that they achieved success while completely eluding coolness, on any level. The Tower seems like the perfect place for a little “Nights in White Satin.” I do hope they recite the poem at the end — you know: “Breathe deep the gathering gloom …” But it’s my birthday, and the Moody Blues are far too serious for birthday galavanting. Perhaps the B-52s at the Electric Factory will do the trick. The Blues and the Bs both play tonight, so if you are part of the nonexistent demographic that would have a hard time choosing which of the two shows to attend, I guess you have something thinking to do.

A little local talent … Saxman Bootsie Barnes blows at Chris’ Jazz Cafe tonight. Folksy Linda Cohen, who was something at one time, sees if she still is with a Sunday gig at Tin Angel. And for those who like their music loud and jumpy, punk/funk Black Landlord takes the Khyber on Saturday.

My boss made me do it … All the old guys in my office talk about former Inquirer columnist Steve Lopez, who apparently was at one time the great savior of Philadelphia journalism. Steve Lopez this, Steve Lopez that. And it’s always “Steve Lopez,” full name. Never “Steve” or “Lopez,” which in this business is a level of respect afforded to few. It kind of feels like when my dad gets all teary-eyed over Tom Landry. Anyway, Steve Lopez recently wrote a book called The Soloist, about a homeless musical genius in Los Angeles, which Steve Lopez now calls home. And it sounds like Steve Lopez is doing all right for himself, since they’re now making a movie of the book starring Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. Not too shabby. On Saturday, my boss — Larry Platt — will drool over interview Steve Lopez about all of this at the Free Library.

From drag queens to Orwell … Lots of new plays to consider. The short list: Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Latvian Society (reviewed by our new critic, MB Case); Animal Farm at Mum Puppettheatre (the Inquirer called it “just right”); and Bug by Tracy Letts, who just won the 2008 Pulitzer for drama, at Christ Church.

And for the little terrors … Seems like a perfect weekend to visit Longwood Gardens, where spring is out of hand. On Saturday, they debut three brand-new tree houses — Lookout Loft, Canopy Cathedral, and the Birdhouse — with lots of educational activities for your budding arborist, though I might steer them more in the direction of “tree surgeon,” given the price that this guy quoted me recently to save my dying tree. (I cut it down with a chainsaw.)

You know the country is in dire straits when most of your friends are going to election return parties. If you just can’t figure out what to wear to such an event and would prefer to avoid it altogether, I give you …

• Why watch the talking heads on TV when one of the best is at the Free Library tonight? Cokie Roberts should have a few things to say, other than just about her new book, Ladies of Liberty: The Women Who Shaped Our Nation. $7 to $14; 8 p.m.

• Politically minded French ska/swing/punk/reggae 10-piece Babylon Circus at World Cafe Live. They are lots of fun, and Communist sympathizers to boot! $25 to $35; 7:30 p.m.

• First Person Arts presents its monthly Story Slam at L’Etage. Think of a poetry slam, but one where you get up and tell a true story about yourself corresponding to the theme, which this month is “An Awkward Pause.” If you’re too shy to tell a story, sign up to be a judge. Get there early — these normally sell out. $5 to $10; 8:30 p.m.

Ah, Easter, you devil of a holiday. I love my family, but why so much woe? Here are some suggestions for the weekend that don’t include spiral-cut ham or pineapple soufflé.

FRIDAY
I was thinking about checking out Jesus Christ Superstar at the Keswick. After all, it’s considered by most to be the only religious rock opera in existence, unless you, like me, consider the Who’s Tommy a religion. But the whole damn run is sold out (save for a few scattered seats on Saturday night). Sheesh. Go Keswick! But no worries, friends: Veteran Russian art rockers Auktyon are live and direct at World Cafe Live tonight. If you think our rockers are rebels, try growing up in the U.S.S.R. And since we’re going super artsy/avant garde, this is opening weekend for Gus Van Sant’s Paranoid Park. Read about it, and the weekend’s other new movies, in today’s Flick Filter.

SATURDAY
This Saturday’s got plenty to do, but also a lot to prove. Philadelphia Theatre Company is all grown up and living in that swanky new Suzanne Roberts Theatre, so they’d better wear the pants for the opening weekend of their newest show. It shouldn’t be hard: The late Wendy Wasserstein’s last play, Third, is said to be her best — if PTC can’t pull it off, they’ll have some ’splaining to do about those expensive digs they’ve been in. Over at the Bellevue, there’s the big Winter’s A Drag party (benefiting City of Hope), where we expect the Who’s Who of the gay scene to show their boa’d selves off. Drag isn’t mandatory, but you’ll get a discount on the $80 admission if you comply (and you may just discover a whole new you). Guys, if you’re not feeling sexy enough in that little black dress, check out our handy little guide to how do drag right. Just know that the Annie approach is out; every red wig in town is rented out for the return of that adorable orphan at the Academy of Music (and if you missed our very uncomfortable Q&A with the lass who plays Annie, read it here). And if all of that sounds just way too complicated and ridiculous, reggae legend Gregory Isaacs spliffs it up the Troc.

SUNDAY
There are two roads to travel. Both involve more dress-up, a fact guaranteed to cause flashbacks to Easter weekends past. The Easter Sunday Promenade is the only time you’ll see people actually looking nice on South Street. Come on now, show off that cute Easter dress you’ve been saving — and after Saturday night, that goes for girls and guys. (And in case you’re at all confused, this is a kid-friendly event.) There are awards to go around, and you’ll be able to impress someone by telling them you’ve been to a real, actual, Henri David (pictured) party, since he emcees the event. (Congrats, you can almost call yourself a Philadelphian now.) But my advice? Take the road less traveled: It has friggin’ zombies on it, which is always a good thing. Sunday evening is the third annual Philly Zombie Crawl, the bar hop for the undead. (If you can’t possibly understand what a Zombie Crawl could be, just stay home, for your own good.) After everything that has the potential to go on this weekend, you’ll have plenty of good stories to tell on Monday, none of which involve pineapple soufflé.

If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, set your alarm for 10 a.m. Saturday morning, when these shows go on sale …

A man who truly knows what he’s talking about when he sings about taking a “walk on the wild side,” former Velvet Undergrounder Lou Reed brings his enigmatic self to the Electric Factory on Saturday, April 19th. I’d rather see him at the Tower, but this rare glimpse at his weird genius should not be missed. $39.50.

Though Cyndi Lauper is pretty high on my list of people to see, the presence of Rosie O’Donnell, the B-52s, and Carson Kressley with her at the June 13th True Colors charity show at the Borgata makes me want to stay far, far away from Atlantic City that night. $75. (And if you just have to hear “Love Shack” performed live — and I have, and can tell you it’s really not worth it — the B-52s hit the Fillmore at the TLA on April 25th.)

This weekend’s Lewis Black shows at the Borgata are way sold out, but before you overpay online, you should know that the frenetic comedian just announced a May 10th appearance at the Commerce Bank Arts Center in Sewell. $43 to $60.

There are so many great shows around this weekend, you can almost smell the sweaty summer concert season right around the corner. I’ll provide the short list. You bring the ear plugs …

MEN AND THEIR GUITARS
Diabetic 82-year-old blues legend B.B. King sold out the Keswick last night and tonight, so if you want to catch him before he’s gone (and I do mean gone), you’ve got to head to the House of Blues in A.C. for Saturday night’s close-to-sold-out show. $43, standing-room-only tickets . If you’re more into the jazz guitar thing, you can’t go wrong with Philly’s own Jimmy Bruno, who gives a jump start to the weeklong Chris’ Jazz Cafe Guitar Festival on Saturday with two shows at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Tickets are $15 and $20.

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