One of my favorite groups in the city, the Mural Arts Program, is throwing their big fundraising gala, The Wall Ball, tonight at the Loews Hotel. Your $150-$500 ticket gets you lots of food and booze, dancing to the Latin sounds of Trio Crisol, cool mural-making activities (the panel you paint on will actually be hung as part of a real mural), and a short film narrated by The Wire’s Isiah Whitlock, who will be on hand to introduce it. Oh, and of course, that great feeling you get when you see those spectacular murals around the city and know that you made it all possible. Or, at least a very little bit of it.

Ah, Easter, you devil of a holiday. I love my family, but why so much woe? Here are some suggestions for the weekend that don’t include spiral-cut ham or pineapple soufflé.

FRIDAY
I was thinking about checking out Jesus Christ Superstar at the Keswick. After all, it’s considered by most to be the only religious rock opera in existence, unless you, like me, consider the Who’s Tommy a religion. But the whole damn run is sold out (save for a few scattered seats on Saturday night). Sheesh. Go Keswick! But no worries, friends: Veteran Russian art rockers Auktyon are live and direct at World Cafe Live tonight. If you think our rockers are rebels, try growing up in the U.S.S.R. And since we’re going super artsy/avant garde, this is opening weekend for Gus Van Sant’s Paranoid Park. Read about it, and the weekend’s other new movies, in today’s Flick Filter.

SATURDAY
This Saturday’s got plenty to do, but also a lot to prove. Philadelphia Theatre Company is all grown up and living in that swanky new Suzanne Roberts Theatre, so they’d better wear the pants for the opening weekend of their newest show. It shouldn’t be hard: The late Wendy Wasserstein’s last play, Third, is said to be her best — if PTC can’t pull it off, they’ll have some ’splaining to do about those expensive digs they’ve been in. Over at the Bellevue, there’s the big Winter’s A Drag party (benefiting City of Hope), where we expect the Who’s Who of the gay scene to show their boa’d selves off. Drag isn’t mandatory, but you’ll get a discount on the $80 admission if you comply (and you may just discover a whole new you). Guys, if you’re not feeling sexy enough in that little black dress, check out our handy little guide to how do drag right. Just know that the Annie approach is out; every red wig in town is rented out for the return of that adorable orphan at the Academy of Music (and if you missed our very uncomfortable Q&A with the lass who plays Annie, read it here). And if all of that sounds just way too complicated and ridiculous, reggae legend Gregory Isaacs spliffs it up the Troc.

SUNDAY
There are two roads to travel. Both involve more dress-up, a fact guaranteed to cause flashbacks to Easter weekends past. The Easter Sunday Promenade is the only time you’ll see people actually looking nice on South Street. Come on now, show off that cute Easter dress you’ve been saving — and after Saturday night, that goes for girls and guys. (And in case you’re at all confused, this is a kid-friendly event.) There are awards to go around, and you’ll be able to impress someone by telling them you’ve been to a real, actual, Henri David (pictured) party, since he emcees the event. (Congrats, you can almost call yourself a Philadelphian now.) But my advice? Take the road less traveled: It has friggin’ zombies on it, which is always a good thing. Sunday evening is the third annual Philly Zombie Crawl, the bar hop for the undead. (If you can’t possibly understand what a Zombie Crawl could be, just stay home, for your own good.) After everything that has the potential to go on this weekend, you’ll have plenty of good stories to tell on Monday, none of which involve pineapple soufflé.

Special Correspondent Brian James Kirk plans your weekend so you don’t have to …

Sweaters and swearing … Two generations of black comedy will be in town and there’s a reason both gigs are almost sold out: these are two of the pioneers. Bill Cosby performs two shows at the State Theatre in New Jersey on Sunday. Try for the evening show (your parents already bought out the afternoon edition) and hope that he’s doing more joke-telling than lesson-giving. If your dad’s comedy doesn’t float your boat, save seats for Chris Rock’s three-day Philly run next week. Expect the Academy of Music to get a pretty severe F-bombing.

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SNEAK PEEK
Yes, it’s true that the Frida Kahlo exhibit opens next week at the Art Museum and that there are more than a few $20 tickets still available, but that won’t get you the private tour by the curator, the “festive dress and dancing,” and the “Mexican fare” being offered to those willing to plunk down $750 (most of which is tax-deductible) for tonight’s Frida Fiesta Valentine’s Day Gala. (There are also $200 and $250 tickets available, which do not include the private tour.) So if you still haven’t made any Valentine’s reservations (you fool), you could do worse than this.

FOODIE FOREPLAY
Personally, I am offended by the notion of aphrodisiacs. The idea that the warm, inviting feeling that people get around me could come from a bivalve or arugula or fig is just plain insulting. Still, if you need something to do with your significant other and gala-ing or dinner at a place so undesirable that reservations are still available is not in the cards, the $40 aphrodisiac guided tasting at Di Bruno Bros. might provide some amount of satisfaction. There are only a few tickets left, and you can only buy them the old-fashioned way: 212-209-3370. (And yes, I do mean 212.)

Oh, man. You still haven’t figured out Valentine’s Day? Woe is you. First, if you were planning on dining with another couple (which is pretty lame on V-Day, by the way), forget those plans because that table for four just ain’t happening. But if you act very, very quickly, you could go on OpenTable and score a 7 p.m. table for two at Ansill, a 7:15 at Pond in Radnor, or an 8:15 at Brandywine Prime.

Of course, keep in mind that OpenTable is not the end all, be all of restaurant reservations. For instance, the White Dog is on OpenTable, but doesn’t show any availability for Thursday night. However, if you call the restaurant, they can get you in. Promise. And let’s say you want to do oysters at Nineteen. Their dining room has been booked for weeks, but there’s no reason why you can’t slide into a comfy love seat in the lounge and gaze lovingly at each other over some Cape May salts and a glass (okay, several glasses) of bubbles. Granted, you’ll have to fight for that table, but it sure beats winding up at Outback.

Or, you could always go the late-night dinner route. In this case, very late. For instance, Xochitl, which does not use OpenTable, is doing 11 p.m. reservations, in case you have off on Friday or are impervious to ill-advised quantities of tequila. To avoid the all-too-accurate appearance to your significant other that you waited until the last minute to think about all of this, and in keeping with the Mexican thing, I’d suggest pulling some strings and scoring an invitation to the Art Museum’s Frida Kahlo preview gala to bide your time before dinner.

Should you wish to postpone your trek through the Wissahickon, here are some alternate ideas …

Because she has such great genes … So her birth name is Lisa, but her stage name is simply Simone, a nod (and marketing gimmick, of course) to her mother, the late, great singer/pianist/civil rights activist Nina Simone. (Whose own name, it must be said, was not Nina Simone but Eunice Kathleen Waymon.) But the living Simone is no Frank Sinatra Jr. She’s got talent and individuality, not to mention killer looks (at 45!) and a successful Broadway career, having starred in Jesus Christ Superstar,, Rent, and Aida. Still, she doesn’t exactly shy away from the comparisons or connection to Nina — a cover album of her mother’s songs is due in April. She brings her lovely self and her mini-orchestra to World Cafe Live on Saturday.

Because it’s not just the day you get paid … This being the first Friday of the month, all the galleries are doing their regular thing. But it’s way too miserable out to contemplate a casual stroll, even if there is wine and cheese along the way. If you have the stamina for only one event, make it the Corsets for a Cure auction/gala featuring those oh-so-snug fitting under- (or over-) garments, designed by local corsetier Delicious Corsets and hand-painted by some of the area’s most talented artists to benefit the Linda Creed Breast Cancer Foundation.

Because the parking garages around the Convention Center clearly need your money … In case you somehow missed hearing about it, the Auto Show opens to the public tomorrow — and you know you want to check out that SmartCar, even if it is the death trap that a lot of people are saying it is. (For the record, my friends in Spain love theirs, and whenever anyone says anything about the safety issue, they go off on this whole Bush-oil-SUV-conspiracy thing.) This evening is the $200-per-person preview affair, with lots of swilling and Stephen Starr grub. I’ve got $500 for anyone who gets ejected tonight for indiscretions in the back seat of the Rolls Royce Phantom.

Because you only watch it for the commercials, and last year they pretty much sucked … I’m going to go way out on a stereotyping limb here, but if you’re the type of person who has absolutely zero interest in watching the commentators slobber all over themselves, I’m guessing that you’re probably also the type of person who enjoys a quiet night at the theater. Some suggestions for Sunday night: the closing night of Vivien (the story of Gone With the Wind star Vivien Leigh) at the Walnut Street’s Independence Studio; Avenue Q (profane puppetry) at the Forrest; Arthur Miller’s The Price on the Walnut’s main stage; and Wittenberg at the Arden (somehow they made Martin Luther and 1500s Germany funny).