The Most WTF Swimwear On the Market Right Now

Hey swimwear designers, I’ve got one question for ya: WTF is going on? I’m seeing all kinds of cray cray styles happening right now, and “cool girls” are buying in. Is this a joke? Are we seriously wearing gigantic technicolored stars over our crotches and calling it cute? Please show me one body type in the universe that is flattered by bikini bottoms that cut the torso mid-gut, awkwardly short of high-waisted. What’s up with these high-necked tops, as if tan lines aren’t a thing that people experience in the sun? And please don’t get me started on that middle bikini pictured above, because if I try to sum up what I’m seeing here, I might actually get fired.

We present the most WTF swimwear out there right now. If you have an explanation, please comment. We are genuinely confused—and concerned. 

The Ruffle Sleeve: We get it, ruffles and flirty shoulders are in right now—but seriously, on a bikini top? Not only does this style look like you’re about to have a Janet-Jackson-mid-Superbowl wardrobe malfunction; we’re pretty sure anyone bigger than an A-cup would actually spill out of this, much to the discomfort of everyone on the beach.

The Turtleneck: I’m sorry, did I whack my head, or is summer usually the hottest time of year in this hemisphere? The turtleneck should be reserved for crisp fall days at the earliest, and has no place by the pool (unless said pool is drained and covered with tarp for the winter).

The Extreme Lace-Up: Calm down, Coachella peeps. We get it, lace-up details are having a moment right now. But when 90 percent of your skin is showing, and you’re one pulled string away from flashing everyone in the vicinity, we’re not so sure this is the right call for swimwear. Also, the BDSM vibes here are a little too real for broad daylight. Worth noting: Our intern Alixe says about the top, “Why … It’s like two mini tablecloths for your boobs.” Amen.

Strategically-Placed, Weirdly-Childlike Appliqué: If this suit makes you feel like the neutral innocence of watermelon has been corrupted, you’re not alone. Was this swimsuit designed for a porn star? Maybe. Those neon arrows pointing to the crotch certainly aren’t helping. Also, good luck with those tan lines.

Speaking of which, The LOL Tan Lines Top: The ’90s are everywhere in fashion, bringing sporty high-necked styles and halters back on the scene. Yay! Except, remember that little thing called sunshine that you’re exposed to when frolicking on the beach/laying by the pool? Yeah, that doesn’t take too well to weird bathing suit cuts. See, in the old days, we used to untie our string bikinis when laying out to avoid awkward tan lines, but you’d have to find a topless beach somewhere in the French Riviera to be able to avoid a tan line cluster from this fishnet number.

The Canadian Tuxedo Gone Too Far: Tricolor denim has arrived folks, and it’s coming to a beach near you! Make everyone cringe while they try to un-imagine your denim+sand+crotch triple-whammy of discomfort. Good thing severe chafing is slated to be summer’s hottest new trend, because you’re one step ahead!

And there you have it, peeps—a handful of swimsuits we truly do not understand, nor do we wish upon anyone, this summer or any summer for that matter. Got a case for any of the styles? We’d love to hear from you!