True Fact: 17,616 Men Suffer Zipper-Related Penis Injuries

Welcome, everyone, to my worst nightmare: suffering a zipper-related penis injury. (If you’d like to make it worse for me, make sure an American Idol marathon is streaming in the background as I sustain the aforementioned trauma.) Apparently, it isn’t as uncommon as one would hope. In a cautionary article, The Atlantic reports that 17,616 men have visited the emergency room for zipper-induced penis pains between 2002 and 2010. That’s roughly 2,000 injuries per year. Why, God, why?! The article references a new paper in urology journal BJU International: “The penis was almost always the only genital organ involved,” which, for whatever reason, doesn’t make me feel any better. Moreover: “Among adults, zips were the most frequent cause of penile injuries.” This, by my standards, is an epidemic, one that needs to be addressed on a national level. Where are the unironic public service announcements, Jimmy Kimmel? Where are the outreach groups? As of now, my only immediate plan and advice is to purchase pants sans zippers (be it button-fly or velcro; any alternative is better than nothing) and try to live without fear. Godspeed, men, and may you never hear that calamitous zip and think “Oh, no!!!” as you finish relieving yourself in the bathroom. Photo: Shutterstock