Did you know our very own governor Tom Corbett has signed an official proclamation to recognize February as “Gum Disease Awareness Month”? Get this: 85 percent of Americans are faced with gum disease, but fewer than half are diagnosed, making it more prevalent than cancer, heart disease or arthritis, and even worse, it’s routinely ignored until its advanced stages. Luckily, the condition can be treated—the trick is catching it.
Of course, the best way to celebrate this momentous month-long holiday is to brush and floss with militant regularly. Sounds like a party! And just so you can plan ahead, we found 10 other wacky health holidays to add to your calendar. Now, will you be bringing the champagne to my party for Fungal Infection Awareness Month, or should I pick some up? We should probably hammer out the details.
January 8th: Bubble Bath Day
How to celebrate: You know the drill, people: Bubble baths for everyone! I mean, what better way to unwind and destress after a super busy holiday season. Wine? Check. Candles? Check. A repeat performance next week? Check.
February 9th: Toothache Day
How to celebrate: Go to the dentist! No, seriously, go. Oh, you don’t want to? Fine. I mean, I guess you could ignore the pain. But in a month, you’ll be in need of …
March 17th through 23rd: Root Canal Awareness Week
How to celebrate: A root canal! The only reason that this holiday exists is because endodontists are tired of the procedure’s bad reputation—it’s painless now, they swear. And how do we show them that we’re picking up what they’re putting down? By getting a root canal, obviously. (Besides, you deserve it for not listening to me last month.)
April: Irritable Bowel Syndrome Awareness Month
How to celebrate: Whenever you have a wonderfully easy, painless time atop your porcelain throne, I want you to be grateful for how wonderfully easy and painless it was. And I want you to remember that IBS is not funny, although I do think they should replace the word ‘bowel’ with something else. Think about this for a month and get back to me.
May: Fungal Infection Awareness Month
How to celebrate: Welp, considering fungal infections are estimated to occur in over a billion people each year and can infect almost any part of the body, there’s a good chance you’ve been contaminated. I’d probably spend this month sobbing and visiting my doc, what do you think?
June 2nd through 8th: National Headache Awareness Week
How to celebrate: I just don’t understand the necessity of this holiday. If I have a headache, you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m aware of it. And that I’m complaining, LOUDLY. I suggest you do the same, and we will work toward ending all headaches, ever, in the world.
July 3rd: Stay Out of the Sun Day
How to celebrate: Sorry, I will not sacrifice my tan to advocate a message that no one will know I’m advocating by being a hermit. I just won’t do it.
July 27th: Take Your Pants for a Walk Day
How to celebrate: In order to appropriately celebrate this holiday, they want you to (no way!) walk. In your pants. I hope you’re as stunned as I am. You know what I say? Screw this holiday and take a walk without your pants. Start a revolution.
August 8th: Sneak Some Zucchini on Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
How to celebrate: Self-explanatory and possibly illegal.
November 24: National “Use Even If the Seal is Broken” Day
How to celebrate: I really hope this is a joke. Listen, guys: If you want to be a daredevil, drink tap water instead of from your Brita. But please, please don’t consume food and medical products that may or may not have been tampered with. That’s just scary.