Feature Article

It’s 5 p.m. Do You Know Where Your Husband Is?

As their wives carpool the kids to soccer, closeted suburban men troll the city’s bathhouses for anonymous — and oftentimes dangerous — gay sex. Ladies, what you don’t know might hurt you

By Steve Volk

Photo, queerstock

Page 1 of 7

ZIPPERING HIS COAT, John leaves the nondescript office building where he works as a computer systems specialist and begins the walk of shame toward 13th Street, his hands shoved deep inside his pockets. His wife doesn’t expect him yet. He has time.

The walk takes 10 minutes, but feels a lot longer to him given what he’s about to do. He crosses Broad Street with long strides, follows Locust to 13th, then takes a left. It’s busy at rush hour, so he cocks his head away from the street, to conceal his face from the drivers sailing by.

At Chancellor, he turns abruptly and — ascending a couple of stairs — pulls open the door to Club Body Center, one of Philadelphia’s two bathhouses. Inside he’ll find other men, preferably other married men, with whom to have sex. His head feels like it’s on fire, swirling with a toxic brew of guilt and longing. He’s fought the urge for a few weeks now. But today, it wins.

The process at the front desk fills him with a kind of primal fear: the first glance from the man who takes his money and looks at his ID, the waiting for change, the presentation of a towel, room key and condom. Gathering them in his hands, he darts quickly out of the light of the front entrance, into the dim corridors of the bathhouse.

His eyes adjust. He can make out the forms of men loitering in the halls, naked to the waist, clad only in snug bath ­towels. They pad along in bare feet, flitting through the shadows like figures in a barely remembered dream. Their faces are obscured, but their presence registers in the tremors of blood pounding through John’s veins. By now he’s so wired, so shot through with the electric current of his desire, that it’s almost as if he has stepped outside of himself. This sensation caught hold of him the moment he decided to come here, and it’s only when he attains this state of consciousness — in which he has no more sentience than a robot — that he can come here at all.

He checks the room number on his key chain and starts down the hall, feeling like the last to arrive at a party, all eyes appraising his plain looks and middle-aged gut. The bathhouse is a big place, a maze with large tiled areas reminiscent of a spa and a series of hallways with private “rooms” — really just stalls — ­lining either side. Finding and unlocking the door to his room, he quickly switches on the light, illuminating a space no larger than a prison cell. Its cheap wooden walls don’t even reach the ceiling. He tosses his things on a narrow wooden platform that holds a thin rubber mattress, quickly strips naked, wraps his towel tightly around his waist, and steps back into the hall.

 

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User comments

Men trapped in their lives
Posted by Andrew | Mar. 3, 2008 at 10:41 AM
COMMENT:
I read Steve Volk’s article as soon as I received my copy of Philadelphia magazine last week. There is a double tragedy in this article. First, that despite our modern culture, we still have intolerance deeply rooted; intolerance which forces men to be trapped in a life of deception and despair. Second, that these men feel so desperate that they feel their only option is to engage in the self-destructive behavior of high-risk sex. I cannot condemn these men because I have lived their pain. But before my road of deception led to high-risk sex, I chose to take a much more difficult path to lead an open life. I ended my failed marriage and left an intolerant Midwest community to lead my own, genuine life. While it hasn’t been a cakewalk for me or my children, it has been worth the struggle. I am now integrated into an accepting suburban Philly community, along with my wonderful partner and two teenage/young adult children. I believe that life is too short to live in d
missed information on article
Posted by lance | Mar. 11, 2008 at 2:57 AM
COMMENT:
I think the writer of this article should of checked with doctors who specialize in trama and sexual abuse. There are lots of people who suffer from DID. It;s a form where you can disascoiate from your state of mind. I have been in intense therapy for the last six years. I see a doctor five times a week for. Many of these men are trying to relive the shame and abusr that they suffered as a child. By doing it annominsoly they can repeat the secrets and shame of the abuse. Just as no one listened or realized what was happening to them when they were young and getting abused, they can keep the current self abuse and shame from their families. Before anyone should label thier sexual prefrence, they should sort out all of the issues from their childhood abuse. Many people who act out in this way may have many different alters in their body as well as their mind. I am sure that a qulifed, experienced doctir, who specializes in this tpye of theropany can help sort out what the person is real
I'm a victim also!!
Posted by Jay | Mar. 11, 2008 at 9:48 AM
COMMENT:
I believe my husband is guilty of this. I don't know for sure because you see he's not an honest person, never was and never will be! He walked out on what I believe has been a pseudo-marriage and cannot and will not explain why?? Do you know who horrible this is? I'm sure he's felt awful through our married years but why didn't he leave years ago, why did he continue to play games with our lives? So because of his inability to be honest he has used me for 25+ years, what about our children, his family - everyone has questions as to 'why' and honestly I'm sick and tired of them asking me! Do they know how it sickens me to think that he's 'gay' that I've lived and loved a 'gay' man, that I believed he loved me and yet I don't. No therapy in the world will help me, I don't need therapy, he needs to come out and be honest for once in his life and maybe, just maybe we can all move on instead of always wondering why Dad left us! The men may feel they are the victims here but coming f
This could have been written about me.
Posted by Anonymous | Mar. 13, 2008 at 5:43 AM
COMMENT:
Hi, This article hit home because it sounds like me. I have been struggling with being gay and married now for many years. Although I love my wife and I try to stop seeing men, eventually the urge comes back so strong that I find myself having aynomous sex with a guy at a gay hook up spot. Most of the guys I have been with are married as well, so this is a bigger issue than I think anyone realizes.
Not all gay married men travel this path.
Posted by Brendan | Mar. 16, 2008 at 7:07 PM
COMMENT:
While I appreciate Mr. Volk investigating this subject, I wanted to state that not all gay married men manifest their struggle by participating in the scenarios depicted in the article. I am gay and was married, but I have yet, to this day, to step inside a bathhouse or gay cinema. Further, I am now happily in a stable monogamous relationship with my partner of 3+ years. Also, I am a member of the Gay & Married Men's Association. The placement of its mentioning in this article may lead some to think that it is an organization that, by default, supports the actions of married men who visit bathhouses. As the philosophy on the association web site states: “it seeks to assist each gay or bisexual man in finding his own best road to travel in life.” The association’s web site is: www.gammaphilly.org. Through this organization, I have heard and seen the trauma that being gay and married can do to all involved and through my own first hand experience empathize with all. I personally beli
Many Shades of Gray...
Posted by Anonymous | Mar. 27, 2008 at 8:05 AM
COMMENT:
My wife and I have been together for 25+ years and I came out to her as being bisexual (at least) on our second DATE. Nevertheless, it's been a very difficult struggle, and, as I am now over 50, I find myself longing for a life that I feel I was "meant" to live. So it's a mixed bag - feelings of liberation (our only child is now in college) as well as feelings of guilt and sadness. When someone says that being gay is a "choice", I cringe. Who would ever purposely choose to live this type of double life? And there are thousands and thousands of us... more than anyone can imagine!
Does Not Tell the Whole Story
Posted by Anonymous | Aug. 9, 2008 at 9:14 PM
COMMENT:
I am 70 yrs old and am a closeted gay male. I have had a satisfying and fulfilling marriage of over 40 yrs. Everyone has stress, doubt, less than perfect success in some areas of life. People I know who came out to their wife have regreted it, realizing belatedly that they caused unnecessary pain and caused spouse to question validity of love. Those who divorced due to sexual preference may not know the joy of a grandchild or the warmth of a long fulfilling marital relationship. Sex is only sex and both straight and gay men have secret feelings that need not be expressed, and if acted on, it can be done in a private, considerate way that does not cause hurt.
help me find out
Posted by Anonymous | Aug. 6, 2009 at 12:05 AM
COMMENT:
I have concerns that my husband is bi and hiding a relationship with a male. I am a very accepting person and we met through a mutual friend who has lived an openly gay life. my husband makes horrible condescending comments about my gay friend as well as all others but yet I have a gut feeling he has had very specific relations with other men while on these isolated hunting trips. broke back mountain and other male friends have all said there is something weird going on. I don't know why he can't tell me. he complains all the time about being trapped and I know he resents but controls me! please help me find out!!!

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