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Philadelphia Magazine

Bad Parents

We give our kids everything and ask for nothing in return. Is it a shock that they’re clueless and entitled? How a generation of well-intentioned Philadelphians has screwed up its children

By Tom McGrath

Page 1 of 9

Photograph by Jonathan Pushnik
IT IS, I HAVE TO ADMIT, A PRETTY COOL TRICK. On a Thursday morning in midsummer, I’m sitting in the beautifully appointed St. Davids offices of ES: Educational Services. I’m face-to-face with ES founder and president Avery Snyder, a man who holds one of the most exalted positions in all of affluent parenting culture these days: the high-priced SAT tutor. The trick that Avery, an energetic and remarkably youthful-looking man of 60, is showing me: how to get the correct answer on an SAT ­question — without actually reading the question.

He pulls out a sheet of paper and uses it to cover up the question, then focuses my attention on the multiple-choice answers below it. He explains why if you understand anything about how the SAT really works, you can quickly figure out that the answer here must be D. He flips to the answer key for the test:

Yup, the answer is D.

You are no doubt wondering what Avery knows that allows him to do this, and I would be happy to tell you, except that in the SAT tutoring business this more or less amounts to a trade secret, and Avery has asked me to keep it off the record. However, for the low, low price of $4,990, Avery or a member of the ES team will gladly show the college-bound teen of your choice this and lots of other strategies that will not really make your kid any smarter or better educated, but will nonetheless help him or her give the SAT the ass-­whipping it deserves. In fact, Avery is so confident that he offers a guarantee: Your score will go up 300 points or you get four free classes.

Now, on the one hand, it’s easy to see why any parent who can afford it might be willing to pay for ES’s services. Three hundred SAT points can spell the difference between Ivy and non-Ivy, between a prestigious education and a merely stellar one, between — at least the thinking goes — a Truly Extraordinary Life and an Only Remarkable One.

And yet … somehow you can’t help wondering: Doesn’t dropping five large on test tricks violate the spirit, not only of the SAT, but of parenting itself?

Not that that’s stopping many people, since business is booming at ES’s offices around the Philly suburbs. Avery tells me about the mother of a Baldwin School student who rang him up. “She said the girl has to have a 2,400 — she wants only to go to Harvard,” says Avery, who, while benefitting from this mania, clearly finds it disconcerting. “I said, well, there are a lot of great colleges out there. The mother said no, it has to be Harvard.” ES boosted the girl’s score by 200 points — nearly perfect — but the mother wasn’t satisfied and has sent her back for even more instruction.

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User comments

sad but true
Aug. 25, 2007 at 4:38 PM
Posted by Anonymous
Since I am a preschool teacher in this world you describe, I get to experience the beginnings of the screw ups first hand. I always hope that my position and insight, helps redirect these parents so that they do not foster a sense of entitlement and clueless minds. These kids are not developing coping skills, coping mechanisms and resilency. When they fall, they will fall hard, because the cushion has always been in place.
ABSOLUTELY TRUE
Aug. 25, 2007 at 4:50 PM
Posted by Anonymous
NO DOUBT THAT THIS IS ALL TRUE AND VERY HARD FOR THE PARENTS INVOLVED TO SWALLOW
those kids are a curse to the 9-5 reality
Aug. 25, 2007 at 10:12 PM
Posted by Anonymous
A 'top tier' school name on the resume is designed to benefit the lazy and often ignorant HR people. It absolves them from asking pertinent questions and from making a determination 'is this person qualified to do the job'. I've worked with the clueless twits from 'top tier' schools: more than a few have no idea how to apply what they've been taught into a real-world working environment and are a burden to the rest of us.
Failure
Aug. 26, 2007 at 4:16 AM
Posted by Anonymous
"Originally published in Philadelphia magazine, September 2007" a time travel magazine, how charming :) [it's august 26 here]. On this, very well-written, piece: parents who do no teach their children how to function in the real world fail their children in the most dismall way. What happens when mom and dad are no longer there and life comes along with one of it's oh so touching, but rather unpleasant, lessons? Teaching a child how to succeed in a test is an insult to their intelligence. The reality is that these kids will want to become managers [what else?] and they will be insufferable.
AMEN
Aug. 26, 2007 at 9:29 AM
Posted by Anonymous
Bravo! Wake up parents!!
Mixed points/ideas
Aug. 26, 2007 at 3:34 PM
Posted by Anonymous
There are a lot of ideas in this article which are in no way connected: such as college grooming, spoiling children with gifts and not asking them to contribute to the household (e.g. not chores). 1. Going to a good college is extremely important. Your ability to get that first entry level job is greatly aided by what school you went to since HR Departments use the college as a way to weed through resumes, and HR Depts target the best schools in the nation for requirement. Let's be realistic, Merrill Lynch is always going to be more likely to hire an Ivy League graduate than someone from a small liberal arts college you've never heard of for their junior trader positions. When you're in 10th grade, getting that first job 6 years from now is not on your radar. 2. The other issues are just bad parenting.
What college you graduate from doesn't mean a thing.
Aug. 26, 2007 at 10:55 PM
Posted by Anonymous
The only thing a degree from an elite university gets you is a leg on your first job. That's it. You do not make one important decision based on where a person went to school. Did you choose your doctor or lawyer or accountant based on what school they graduated from? What about your spouse? The only real thing you can give your children is character so when they are on their own they know how to make the correct decisions in this life. Parents are failing their children and creating well educated barbarians that defecate in pianos and go to elite universities. I'll take character every time.
Bad Parenting
Aug. 27, 2007 at 1:23 PM
Posted by Anonymous
Now 74, and a grandmother, I say, "At last!." I have watched this phenomonom with a broken heart for the children who will never get to know what truly being a child is like. I hope this is the beginning of a turn around. I recently heard the terrible statistics of college suicides and wonder if these children had been groomed from an early age to succeed; and found that, away from parents who had always made the way smooth, they could not make it on their own. How many of them may have taken this way out rather than disappoint parents who were expecting so much of them? May parents please take heed. May they realize this is their child's life, perhaps literally. May they give them the chance to simply be children. May kindergarten once more be a place of play and activities designed to develop the brain, the body's coordination, and to instill into the child the joy of learning. Parents, educators, take heed! Our children are not trophies. they are not educational experiments. They ar
I Agree
Aug. 28, 2007 at 11:45 AM
Posted by Anonymous
Raising 2 young girls in a material world always worries me and isn’t easy protecting them from such temptations. Character. That's the most important thing I can teach. My legacy will be based on how my children turn out has human beings rather than how much money they make or what school they attended. I for one am an example of true happiness. College dropout, wasn’t for me, been making decisions on my own since I was young. Honesty and integrity were most important to my parents and has served me well over the years. Common Sense and street smarts has served me very well in business and life itself. Being able to rely on my own decisions and accept its consequences has also given a huge sense of freedom. Great article, passing it on to others.
Finally somebody has said it!
Aug. 28, 2007 at 12:57 PM
Posted by Anonymous
In most cases, spoiled brat parents beget spoiled brat kids. The Philadelphia region, especially the suburbs, is teeming with a sense of entitlement. What 16 year old "deserves" a BMW? And don't even try to tell me that these sweet 16 parties aren't the biggest heap of crap ever! When I was a kid all you needed was a backyard and some treats. Children made their own fun. I am a transplant to this area from a very rural place where this behavior is rare. Where I am from, this behavior earns you one thing - an ass kicking! Bravo Mr. McGrath and keep up the good work.
Finally!!!
Aug. 28, 2007 at 12:29 PM
Posted by Anonymous
I LOVE this article!! I don’t have children yet and quite frankly, seeing today's kids makes me not want to have any! I tell my friends and family (in-laws mostly) stuff like this all the time and they tell me I don’t know what I'm talking about because I don’t have kids or that I am mean or like Hitler. My 7 year old step-daughter makes decisions as if she was 17! Glad to see that I am not that far off the mark. Thank goodness my mom raised me old school! By the way, I know plenty of people both from Ivy League Universities and state colleges and if you are not good at whatever job you are going for it won’t matter where you went. I dropped out too because I think college is overrated and I have met plenty of people just as stupid as when they went in so it clearly doesn’t matter. Even now I work with people who went to good schools who are lucky they can walk and chew gum!!
Thank you!
Aug. 28, 2007 at 2:11 PM
Posted by Anonymous
A senior in college recently 'job shadowed' me for a day. When I asked her if she was applying for positions with local companies, she replied "Yes, but I'm not sure where...my dad's handling that. I'm really busy." Excuse me? And this girl worked in her college's career services office. Thanks for a great article; we are passing it around and discussing it at work and among friends.
character
Aug. 28, 2007 at 3:43 PM
Posted by tom mcfadden
one of the proudest things my wife and myself instilled in our 2 kids is character. dont have that your lost. i see kids that are robots or just plain whiney ass pain in the asses.
Times are different
Aug. 29, 2007 at 12:15 AM
Posted by Anonymous
While I ENTIRELY agree that parents tend to overparent and indulge their children into clueless brats, I don't agree that things are the same as they were for their parents - the college application process, for example, is more competitive than before. I don't think the top tier schools are increasing enrollment at nearly the same rate as the number of annual college applicants. Thus I support the services kids are getting to help them through the college application process, but parents should NOT email college reps on their behalf! We should not try to correct "overparenting" by "underparenting" and neglecting what their REAL needs are!
Will it change
Aug. 29, 2007 at 12:02 PM
Posted by Matt Butler
This is a great article. And based on how often I hear people discuss these topics, I'm shocked that it does not seem to be getting any better. Only worse! I work at a college. The applicant parent do the talking, the emailing....and now even the visiting (without the student). Everyone is reading this article.....except parents!
It's about time
Aug. 29, 2007 at 4:17 PM
Posted by Anonymous
Last year, I was in Bloomingdales where a mother and daughter were discussing (okay arguing) about which Coach handbag the daughter was to get. They turned to me asked my opinion. I said "I don't really know. I don't see the reason for a 16 year old to have a 250.00 handbag". The mother looked horrifed, the daughter like I rained on her parade. I went on to tell them that the first bag I bought (and still use I might add) was when I got my first 'big' job at the age of 30. Parents are more concerned about being their child's friend. Kids have friends and so do the parents. You can be 'friends' with your children once you have raised them to adulthood with morals and values in place..and when they have their own children.
A tough pill to swallow
Aug. 30, 2007 at 6:01 PM
Posted by Anonymous
My wife and I are often accused of being too strict. We demand that our 3 children demonstrate good manners, respect for others and their property, and do many household chores. In addition, we require our teenagers to have jobs. They are rewarded for hard work, not just because they are our children. They will thank us some day, just as we thank our parents for instilling the same traits in us.
Old Wisdom
Aug. 31, 2007 at 12:20 PM
Posted by Angela Cato Laramee
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5 (New Living Translation)
Old Wisdom
Aug. 31, 2007 at 12:20 PM
Posted by Angela Cato Laramee
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5 (New Living Translation)
I'm very lucky
Aug. 31, 2007 at 4:17 PM
Posted by Anonymous
I've been in college for three years, and I could've easily been one of these kids in the article, but my mom trusted my opinion enough growing up that I never had her hovering over me, and for that I feel as if I'm already at an advantage over nearly everyone here.
Officially Co-signed
Aug. 31, 2007 at 4:32 PM
Posted by Anonymous
I, unfortunately, see some of these same things in myself. My boyfriend has a little girl and I struggle with her on things like manners--simple things, like saying "please" and "thank you." I want so badly to correct her, but I don't want her to think I'm "mean," but she needs to learn things like sharing and good manners. My two neices spend all their time being shuttled back and forth to dance lessons and gymnastics. They are not spoiled by today's standards, but the oldest obviously thinks she's equal to most adults she encounters, and that's not the case! Bravo to the author of this article! You hit the nail on the head.
Oh it's so true
Sep. 1, 2007 at 11:40 AM
Posted by Daniel Sean Kaye
Oh parents, please wake up! From the smoking, cell phone using, child-ignoring Mom to the manipulative, always angry, take-it-out on the kid Dad, to the "Isn't my child cute, the way he screams and curses in public?" Mom and Dad, I am constantly amazed when I hear today's parents are surprised at how messed up the kids can be. More stories like this Philly Mag!
Making up for lack of time spent?
Sep. 3, 2007 at 5:49 AM
Posted by Anonymous
As a parent of 3 kids and struggling with trying to keep my own work hours to 40 per week and support my wife who stays at home with the kids, I know how hard it is to manage to spend a reasonable amount of time with your kids these days. Professional jobs just demand 50, 60 or more hours a week, and if two parents both have them, their kids will be in day care, afterschool programs, summer camps, etc. for their entire lives. Part of the kids being institutionalzied so much is mom and dad not being home much. Giving them credit cards and cars is partly about not having time to go shopping with them or take them to practice. And part of hiring someone else to help them with education and getting into a top college and so on is about making up for the guilt that accompanies not really being there with them. The kids don't have bad examples in their parents; they don't have parents at all. They are raised by the internet, by pop culture. Parents work too much!
Classes not all bad
Sep. 3, 2007 at 3:50 PM
Posted by Anonymous
I think overscheduling children is bad parenting, but I don't think classes are. What is wrong with having a child take one lesson a week in something that interests them? My 4 and 7-year olds can pick one thing at a time. I am no expert at martial arts or ballet - why not have a professional who is used to working with kids do this? It gives kids exposure to other children and activities. In most urban areas, it is too difficult and dangerous to just let children ride their bikes - they find trouble or it find them!
As an educator..
Sep. 3, 2007 at 4:47 PM
Posted by Lisa S
The cover of this magazine caught my eye while I stood in line at Borders. Amazingly enough, I came home and somewhere online someone mentioned it. I came to the website, sat, read, nodded, and laughed. It's ridiculous what goes on now, and it's not just affluent parents. Manners? I teach most of my students to walk in and say "Good Morning" to me, they don't do it at home. I had a parent ask me not to tell her 5th grade daughter something she told me because her" daughter would be mad at her." It was something trivial too. We as educators see it every day. The students are in control in their homes. My hats off to the author, an excellent, well-written, article!
No accountability
Sep. 3, 2007 at 7:20 PM
Posted by Anonymous
I live in Haverford and our township has finally implemented a curfew this year. I've worked in the township in the past during overnight hours and would see young teen boys and girls as young as 13 yrs old wandering the township at all hours of the night (well after midnight. I was amazed that so many parent(s) were oblivious as to the whereabouts of their teen children after midnight. My belief is that many parents or single parents are entirely to pre occupied with their own social lives and agendas to take into consideration their kids behaviour and whereabouts in the evening hours. Rather pathetic isn't it. Ask a cop in any suburban Philadelphia community about the parents they have to deal with after bringing one of their kids home on a misdameanor violation, the cops get an earful from the parents "Why is my child being arrested?" Parents have allowed these kids to be free of any consequences for their actions, we are reaping what poor parenting has sown.
Mother of 7
Sep. 4, 2007 at 7:55 PM
Posted by Bella Mia
As the Mother of 7 I have found spiritual training to be the cure for natural self-absorption ad materialism. We pray as a family, we study the Biblical stories like the Good Samaritan, and the Wealthy Young Man. These stories are rich with layered meaning that allows us to use them with a variety of ages. As a certified ethics educator with a specialty in character ed. I appreciate many of the story books from my youth, and my husband's that help to focus the children on integrity, creativity, and sacrifice. One compilation of stories, from the 1930's, actually has a "values index" at the back of the book, obviously as a helpful guide for parents. Let me say regarding family prayer: It provides quite an education in humility and gratitude for the children to hear Mother and Father thanking God for blessings, and asking for His help. I believe it makes for a well-rounded child willing to be open and learn.
Mother of & continued
Sep. 4, 2007 at 8:17 PM
Posted by Anonymous
Because having 7 children is unusual in this day and age, I'm not suprised when people ask me about it. One day the nurse at the pediatrician's office commended me, and then revealed that she was number 13 out of 16 children. I always ask how the mother held up when I talk to grown children of large families. She said her mother is great and she and all her siblings graduated from college and everyone is productive and doing well. She said they were all required to put themselves through school and everyone had learned to be very independent. She was raised in a practicing Catholic home. I don't think it's a mere coincidence. It's something to consider.
In fairness
Sep. 6, 2007 at 3:16 PM
Posted by Anonymous
I take no issue with the wrongness on pretty much every level of, in effect, buying high test scores, although I am skeptical about the meaningfulness of these tests to begin with. That said, I was also skeptical about the true superiority of top-tier schools until I was hired last year to teach at the top-rated university in the country. Make no mistake about it: the students there have given me a run for my money. It's true I've encountered a few slackers, but they are by far the exception: most are incredibly motivated and stunningly bright. On this evidence alone, I would conclude that SAT scores are far from the main, much less the only, criterion used by a truly top-tier school to determine eligibility for admission. This does not mean, of course, that the name of a top-tier school on a resume should provide anyone with an automatic advantage in the job market, though unfortunately it tends to. Clearly, the methods by which we evaluate people's academic and professional qua
In fairness (concluded)
Sep. 6, 2007 at 3:36 PM
Posted by Anonymous
Clearly, the methods by which we evaluate people's academic and professional qualifications need to be scrutinized, and possibly reformed, pretty much across the board.
We should have seen this coming...
Sep. 8, 2007 at 7:30 AM
Posted by Anonymous
My children are now in their late teens and twenties and I am so grateful that I am leaving this stage of our lives. Trying to be the rational, limiting parent has been exhausting. I am proud of the responsible adults my children have become; adults that look for their own jobs, make rational decisions and accept the consequences. However, it doesn't suprise me that we have parents hovering over their children in smothering ways. As parents, we have been told since before they were born that we must be vigilant and watchful. We were told of the dangers of un-locked kitchen cabinet doors, of riding bikes without helmets and we were warned that the innocent looking Boy Scout leader might actually be a pedophile. Is it any wonder that we have become such a lunatic society? Nobody wants to see their child or any others hurt. But we must allow our children to experience the ordinary 'bumps' of life so that they are prepared to handle the major obstacles later on. Ironically, in
Kudos to You!!
Sep. 9, 2007 at 7:35 PM
Posted by Cheryl Wanamaker
Who could disagree?? There are a select few of my friends who parent the same way. Sometimes I feel like I'm too hard on my kids, that is until I'm around other children without one iota of manners. I think of myself as old school and wouldn't change it for a thing. I wanted to take a high-lighter to your article! You said everything that I've always thought. I've passed this along to the few others who choose to raise their kids the right way!!
Good, but lets them off too easy
Sep. 10, 2007 at 1:00 PM
Posted by Anonymous
It's a great article but it lets wealthy parents off too easily by suggesting that their pathology is sociocultural--that it's American. It's not. It's a pathology of wealth, and worse, it's not even a pathology: it's perfectly rational behavior of an elite that seeks to preserve its wealth and power over generations. This is harder than in the past, because higher education today is nominally meritocratic. Junior can't just invoke his dad to get into Harvard today--he has to show merit, so it's hardly surprising that Dad pays to fake the merit.
Great article
Sep. 11, 2007 at 1:50 PM
Posted by Ann Michalski
It's infuriating to see children with absolutely no manners or respect for adults, and this sense of entitlement. Ironic that on page 62 of the same issue (Loco Parentis), the exchange between the mother and son after he broke her lamp illustrates just how completely obnoxious and disrepsectful these kids are. And she lets him get away with it. Not only that, but she thinks to herself "he won, he totally called me." God forbid he feel an unpleasant emotion like guilt or have some sense of responsibilty for what he did. If I had had that exchange with my mother or father, I would have been ripped a new one, made to pay for the lamp and/or grounded. This is a perfect example of why these kids act the way they do - because they can.
Spot On
Sep. 12, 2007 at 7:55 AM
Posted by Danielle M
I wish I had written this article. I have 3 boys (ages eleven to one) and the ideas presented here are precisely what my husband and I have always felt. I hope that the recognition of the ideas will start to influence our society, if only a little...
"Rome fell from within."
Sep. 12, 2007 at 8:34 AM
Posted by Anonymous
As a recent burned out (due to such parents AND the administrators scared of the parent) high school teacher of 13 years, I have noticed this behavior for the last 10 years. I worry about the future of our society.
help is on the way
Sep. 13, 2007 at 7:34 AM
Posted by Richard Bromfield
I'm a Harvard psychologist who's just published a book, How to Unspoil Your Child Fast that is a fast, easy, helpful, and sometimes even funny read. $5 of each book goes to the Children's Defense Fund. If you're interested, please check out reviews etc at www.basilbooks.com. Really enjoyed the article, Tom!
bad parents
Sep. 14, 2007 at 10:04 AM
Posted by Anonymous
What I find fascinating reading comments re: article - there's not 1 msg from parents who recognize themselves and/or their children (and admit it). Here lies the main issue: they're in total denial that children (or themselves) may behave as those portrayed. I have to wonder why these "intelligent" persons are too dumb to realize what a great disservice it is to allow their kids to act like irresponsible, self-centered, inconsiderate brats. These geniuses claim how smart their kids are, yet, when they misbehave, the response is, "they didn't know any better." How wonderful...intelligence by convenience. I'm amazed at the way the kids talk to parents & friends - the lack of respect for anyone is astounding; the parents don't enforce it. Don't parents understand the world is not infatuated with their kids? I don't wish to have their brats "inflicted" on me; they're not pleasant to be around. When children misbehave in my home, I correct them, - it's MY home & I don't care how m
Bad Parenting
Sep. 14, 2007 at 6:57 PM
Posted by Anonymous
While having my nails done at a salon on the Mainline the other day, a woman came in with her 13 year old daughter. They had just come from shopping and the girl was whining & complaining that her mother had purchased her a smaller version of a premier designer bag then the one she wanted. After going on & on her Mom said they would go back and get what she really wanted. I thought this kid needs and attitude adjustment. After hearing her mother give the receptionist such a hard time because she couldn't get an appointment time she needed I thought this kid isn't to blame--it's the Mother that needed some parenting. The apple never falls far from the tree and there are a lot of rotting trees around here it seems.
Well said!
Sep. 16, 2007 at 8:57 PM
Posted by Sharon Greene
Wow! Awesome article. So much packed in there.....we needed to hear this. It helps me look at my own parenting........and allow my kids to "fail" more because we learn so much from struggling and figuring things out on our own. Thanks!
More please!
Sep. 18, 2007 at 7:20 PM
Posted by Anonymous
This article was truly amazing. The honesty and wit were so refreshing! As a new parent who was raised to be accountable, honest, responsible, kind and respectful, I can think of no greater gift to pass on to my children: the virtues that have defined my own success. Kudos Tom for doing this 'expose'. And kudos Philly Mag for putting it in print. Long live the old school style!
So sad...
Sep. 20, 2007 at 1:21 AM
Posted by Anonymous
We are probably the only parents in our neighborhood who feel this way, and consequently, our children have been locked out of "play-dates" for months now. The uptight, perfectionist parents of our area do everything they can to give their kids "the edge" including "tutoring" them as 2 and 3 year-olds and holding them back from kindergarten (kindergarten!) so they can be the highest achievers among their peers. It makes me sad because my children are being deprived of the neighborhood fun and camaraderie that I had in my youth. I hope that they will end up being well adjusted in this maladjusted world.
Thank you
Sep. 26, 2007 at 1:20 PM
Posted by Anonymous
I recently retired from teaching in a highly rated (by Philly Mag) high school. My reasons for an early retirement coincide with the particulars in your article. Having been raised with character, I could no longer graduate students who were unprepared to face the real challenges of today's society. Schools have cowed to the parents pressure and give undeserved grades for little effort. Thank you for validating my decision.
why are kids' lives worse now?
Oct. 3, 2007 at 11:45 AM
Posted by Mike Lanza
My wife and I have a lot more money than our parents did, but unless we get tremendously lucky choosing a neighborhood with lots of kids our kids ages who play outside, our kids' childhoods will be much worse than my wife's or mine was. Blocks with lots of kids playing are almost unheard of in Palo Alto, but it's not much more common anywhere else in the US. Isn't money supposed to give us the freedom to choose better lives for us and our children? Something's really screwed up here. I'm launching a blog about this next week. Check out www.playborhood.com.
Values define character
Oct. 3, 2007 at 5:11 PM
Posted by Anonymous
Until we address the issue of values none of this will change. Our values have shifted from family, church and hard work to stuff, more stuff and the most stuff. Until we recognize the value of every human being not because they are smart, rich or pretty but because they are a member of the human race we will continue to this awful contest to be the best. To say you value family is to teach your children how to be a responsible part of your family, society and then some day their own family. We've messed up a really beautiful and wonderful way of living by constantly striving for "better".
So So True!
Oct. 3, 2007 at 6:25 PM
Posted by Anonymous
I write this comment as my husband just walked in the door from a hard day at work to have the neighbor's child from across the street (that we get along with just fine, I'll add) yell, "Hey Joe, do you know what you are?" "You're an a@@hole". This boy is around 7 years old. Did I mention that his father sat working on his car not 3 feet away? The situation was ignored, as usual. God help us with some of the next generation growing up. They get away with everything, while the parents throw up their hands and declare "he's just wild!". I have 2 of my own and it's a struggle every day. I hope we're winning the battle!
figured it out on my own
Oct. 4, 2007 at 12:36 AM
Posted by Anonymous
I was never told what to do. I made my own friends, got my own job at 15, bought my own first car at 17, got into my first and second college, got my own PhD, and now I am at my first ivy league school. Mom and dad always encouraged me to do my best and have always supported every decision. I was never forced to do anything and never had anything handed to me!!! In the end, will these spoiled kids get very far....only time will tell (maybe their parents will buy their way to the top!!)
the true leg up
Oct. 4, 2007 at 6:35 AM
Posted by Kay Shostak
I believe the true leg up these days is those with character and life skills. With two sons in college and a daughter in high school, I'm already seeing the benefits for their careers and lives because they've had to figure things out on their own. They've been told by adults in their college world; professors & bosses & mentors, that they are so far ahead because they can handle themselves and their problems. Recently another parent expressed surprise and admiration that I'd taught my 16-year-old daughter how to deposit her own paychecks and pump her own gas. I feel so sorry for those kids whose parents believe they are giving them so much. Poor, little rich kids.
Figure things out on their own?
Oct. 4, 2007 at 10:01 AM
Posted by Anonymous
I'm trying to figure this parenting style out. Kay Shostak says "they've had to figure things out on their own" and is complimented by another parent for teaching her daughter to deposit her paychecks and pump her own gas. So, teaching life skills is not spoiling. I get that. Kay, what things do you leave for your kids to figure out?
Mixed Points/Ideas Rebuttle
Oct. 5, 2007 at 5:15 PM
Posted by Monica Chen
A reader posted earlier under "mixed points/ideas" that companies like Merril Lynch are more likely to hire ivy league graduates. Well who cares? Has it ever occured to this person that some kids don't want to be bankers for such a big company? Some kids want be chefs, philosophists or entrepreneurs. It is a travesty that so many children have been forced to give up experimenting in the kitchen, for example, because they had an overload of AP classes and SAT IIs to study for. Let kids follow their passions. Why are parents terrified by the thought of their children not working in a cubicle for Merril Lynch? xanga.com/mosmoothie
Charlie Sheen, role model or proof positive of this thesis?
Oct. 6, 2007 at 9:29 AM
Posted by Marc Itzkowitz
It is ironic and illustrative that Charlie Sheen, in your article, is held up as a role mode for our kids. While a decent actor he has also been known for cocaine, prostitutes, and multiple divorces involving emailed threats. He is the perfect example of what this article fights against. Why even reference an actor as opposed to President as our ideal? Oh that's right our current president also had a cocaine and entitlement problem. Remember his commencement speech at Yale when he praised how C grades won't get in the way of a great career. The point I'm trying to make is that is how pervasive this problem has become. We (even you, as the writer of a fine article) can subconsciously praise those that we should revile as role models. It is worse that we can elevate those that have many of the worst qualities to the highest positions and not mind when they publicly mock the values discussed here. The humorous part is that the President mocked them at the very school we help our kids
Continuation of previous post
Oct. 6, 2007 at 10:03 AM
Posted by Marc Itzkowitz
The humorous part is that the President mocked those values at the very school we help our kids cheat to attend.
Good work
Oct. 6, 2007 at 10:18 AM
Posted by Anonymous
Thanks for the article
This is why this country is in the mess it's in
Oct. 11, 2007 at 2:52 PM
Posted by Anonymous
We are raising a generation that has no idea what hard work is. You want it, and can cheat to get it . . . go for it. You want to do it, no matter what the ramifications . . . do it. Mom and Dad always got me out of it before, right? You look at all the blaming of teen violence on games and movies and music. What a crock. We played Army men in the park as kids. We had cap guns, and cork rifles, and we would never, EVER, no matter HOW BAD we were picked on in school, think of going in and killing people. Why? The answer is always the same from everyone I talk to in my generation: "We weren't raised that way." Now we live in a society where people have kids, throw them at a nanny and SCHEDULE time with their children, because . . . well . . . they HAVE to have a career too. PS3 and TV is the new babysitter, and if you see your kid on the way to the office, well . . . you might ask them how they're doing. And if you want to be a good parent, you can't be, because Washington is t
Atticus had it right
Oct. 14, 2007 at 9:06 AM
Posted by Bro. Rob Lahey
Harper Lee put the job of a parent into the mouth of her young narrator, Scout: "Jem and I found our father satisfactory: he played with us, read to us, and treated us with courteous detachment." The last phrase says it all. Let the kids develop their own life, but be there for them.
Playdate - biggest oxymoron ever
Oct. 23, 2007 at 9:56 AM
Posted by Anonymous
We recently moved out of the Philadelphia school district to the Radnor school district to ensure our two year old daughter gets in line for the best, free public education offered in the area. After reading this article, I'm scared of what comes with it! My childhood memories are of teams of neighborhood children playing outdoors, come sunshine or snow, involved in unscheduled fun until Dad whistled for us to come home as the sun set. While I would love for my child to go to a top university, what about catching fireflies and minnows, playing kick-the-can, and pick up football with various Dads trading off at QB? This whole concept of play dates and career counselors for eigth graders is bizarre and sad. Maybe we should move to the West coast... or wherever we need to move to ensure our daughter isn't asking for breast implants for graduation!
It breeds and breeds and breeds...
Oct. 25, 2007 at 7:30 PM
Posted by Dylan Thomas
How did these bad parents come to exist? Did they have bad parents? I've always wondered what was the genesis of today's parents. I also wonder how the brats of today's parents will make out themselves as parents. I've read all the posted comments here and many people recall the good old days of their childhoods. I'm worried how the children of today are going to recall their good old days. The good old days of yor are now just verbal clues to the past fast becoming extinct. This superficial parenting is normal for this generation and will be all anyone knows from here on out. My childhood took place right on the cusp of this movement. I have a foot in the good old days of parenting and a foot in bad days of superficial parenting. Scary stuff. The easy solution? Just load the kids up on Ritalin so they can coast through their childhood emotionally removed!
Not all bad parents are wealthy
Oct. 29, 2007 at 11:52 AM
Posted by Megan Rudhli
I grew up in a lower middle class neighborhood in NYC. I saw (and still see) in lots of lower middle class children the same lack of respect, values, and character as in children of the middle and upper classes. What the adults in a child's life laud as cute behavior when she's three becomes a problem at twelve. I think the problem is that people don't want to be parents, they want to be friends with their children. That's an epidemic that's stretches to all classes.
where is the parents' acceptance of responsibility
Oct. 31, 2007 at 7:43 AM
Posted by Anonymous
I have been keeping track of this log for a while now....and still, not one parent has written in to say that he/she is a responsible (guilty) party for spoiling his child. Please, all you parents out there, don't tell me that you cannot recognize that you've committed these offenses listed herein in order to benefit your child and have him/her sail through life...
It won't happen
Oct. 31, 2007 at 4:04 PM
Posted by Dylan Thomas
A parent can't or won't admit that they're guilty of the offenses. I have a friend that is a prime example of this article, but she just doesn't get it. Yet she recognizes it in other people. She knows not to gripe in front of me, but she doesn't know that it's because I think she's a hypocrite.
Touched a nerve
Nov. 12, 2007 at 5:04 AM
Posted by Claudine Wolk
Great article, Mr. McGrath. Looks like you touched a nerve. It amazes me that you didn't get too many dissenting opinions in the comments section. Could it be that the parents in question don't think that the article applies to them? Could Be! In any case, this particular group of children that we are rasing scares the you know what out of me. People say I'm a bit overreactive on this issue. "What does it have to you with you," they say? "As long as you are raising your children in the way you see fit, you've got no issue." My counter is always to say that someday one of these youngsters who has never heard the word "no" is going to be alone on a date with one my kids. Get the picture...
What has happened to character and integrity? Our kids know
Nov. 13, 2007 at 8:45 PM
Posted by Anonymous
As a high school teacher, I see daily how little value is placed on character and integrity. If a student is caught cheating, the burden of proof falls on the teacher and then the teacher has to deal with the wrath of the parent. The student does not face the angry parent, no it is the teacher. ANd that is if you catch them, they are so good at it that it is seocnd nature. WHere did they learn how to cheat?? THey have been watching it since infancy. How can we expect our kids to be truthful when parents will lie for them. NEWS FLASH: They know you are lying for them and they don't respect YOU. They know you will bail them out and they don't believe YOU to be people of character. Your own kids can recognize the hypocrisy. When I ask them what it means to be a person of integrity and to give me examples they do NOT say their parents. How sad. They can give me examples of how their parents lie, bargain and manipulate all for them. They know you do it and they are NOT proud. We think w
Much truth in this story
Nov. 20, 2007 at 7:12 PM
Posted by Maria V
In all fairness, though, it's not entirely the parents' fault. With the advent of compulsory schooling for virtually all of the population at the start of the 20th century, the parental role in a child's life has been diminished. I recommend reading The Underground History of Education by John Taylor Gatto. You'll never think of school the same way again.
View from the trenches
Nov. 26, 2007 at 7:14 PM
Posted by Anonymous
Bravo to the author for putting in words what has been burning in my mind the past few months. As an engineer turned high school teacher (entering my 14th year in the classroom), the gradual changes I have seen in my students' attitudes toward expectations and entitlement (the former lowering by the year, the latter, of course, rising) have finally reached a tipping point for me. How in the world has my generation managed to raise what I consider the most disrespectful teenagers I have yet encountered? As the father of a 4-year old daughter, my biggest fear is that she will not experience the best teachers (and coaches); the ones who expect more from you than you thought possible, who manage a classroom with a firm but fair hand, and who challenge you to become the person you are meant to be. Why won't she? Because they will have long fled the helicopter parents and their overindulged offspring for a career that not only pays more than the classroom, but also offers hope of salvagi
Dealing with divorce and a "Bad Parent"
Dec. 13, 2007 at 11:48 AM
Posted by Claudia Broome
Kudos to Tom McGrath! Since I was and am, the parent who attempts to teach a sense of right and wrong, I am not winning the popularity contest with my children. Their father, who now has a new family, continues to buy the love of the children with expensive gifts, trips,jewelry, etc. Guess what? It's working! They are convinced that I am a bad mom because I won't indulge their narcissistic traits. In addition,they see me as a failure because my goal was to raise them with manners,courtesy, respect, responsibility and a work ethic. If they had read this article, maybe the jury would still be out on whether or not I was a bad parent.
Suggestions for getting off the treadmill
Dec. 18, 2007 at 3:33 PM
Posted by Anonymous
We need to break this SAT/College Prep industry. Skip the classes and choose an SAT optional college. Then, cancel one weekend of activity and spend time as a family. Christmas is perfect for this. Don't be afraid to say NO to your child. Remember they are more than their college acceptance.
Fantastic article
Dec. 20, 2007 at 10:27 PM
Posted by Stephanie Sigafoos
As a 25-year-old, I thank God every day for the "normalcy" that I had as a child -- and, yes, my parents both held full-time jobs and still do. I also used to laugh at their "remember when" stories, but already find myself preaching them to a younger generation. Remember when we came home from school and played outside? Remember when mom and dad checked that our homework was done, but didn't do it for us? Today's youth (and I use that term losely, because it now encompasses about a 5 to 18 age gap) are more spoiled than any parent or guardian will ever admit and will be worse off because of it.
The buck stops with the parents
Dec. 30, 2007 at 7:30 AM
Posted by Anonymous
As parents of a ten year old, graduates of top Ivy League and British Universities, and residents of affluent central Bucks country, we see this everyday and absolutely sick of it. We are ostracized by our neighbors because we absolutely refuse to play this nonsense. We continue to instill in our child our values of integrity and responsibility that we hope will allow her to survive on her own and stand up to the spoiled brats and their parents. As a prior reader (Maria V) demonstrates, she is very much an example of the problem: No, the problem is 100% the parents. It is your responsibility and NO ONE elses as to what your kid is taught and learns. They may learn bad things outside the house but it is your job to counter it. One can NOT pay others to do your parenting for you. Drive a Toyota and not a Lexus/BMW and spend the time with your kids and quit passing blame. You only have yourself to blame as kids imitate their parents!
In reply to the anonymous post
Jan. 12, 2008 at 11:38 AM
Posted by Maria V
You're missing the point of my post. Do some research into the history of compulsory education, a very recent development in human history, as an example of government intrusion into family life. It has served to undermine the parental role, parental authority, and family life in general. I'm not saying parents shouldn't be responsible. I'm saying our current educational system and laws work against parents rather than for parents. Parents choices are limited and have become subordinate to the demands of the educational industry. They need to be made aware of that and demand better alternatives rather then play along with the system as they currently do.
elite universities
Jan. 14, 2008 at 5:23 PM
Posted by Barbara Saunders
As a graduate of an elite university (Stanford), I strongly disagree with those people who say that getting children into these universities is all-important. It really depends on the kind of career the child wants and is suited for. It's not as simple a formula as one might think. Sure, Ivy League to Merrill Lynch is a straight path. But, the path to, say, a prestigious career as an "editor at a major publishing house might run more directly through that small liberal arts college. Some fields get their top students from particular programs outside of the Ivy League. My sister, for instance, took an architecture degree at Michigan, which is known for that program.
Different values...
May. 13, 2008 at 2:50 PM
Posted by Claudia Broome
So what do you do if one parent will buy the children anything and everything in an attempt to be popular and you try to teach morals and the fact that it's the knowledge not the school that will really make you a success in life?

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